


Lonesome Billy

by Psychgirl7



Series: Caroline Mayfield [2]
Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Alcohol, Billy Hargrove Being an Asshole, Character Death(s), Drug Use, F/M, Flashbacks, Language, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sexual Content, Trauma, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:14:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 25,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26788030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Psychgirl7/pseuds/Psychgirl7
Summary: Caroline Mayfield returns to Hawkins in 1989 under unfortunate circumstances, leaving her in the former Mayfield-Hargrove house. During her stay, eerie occurrences begin to happen in which she feels like she is being watched. It seems that everywhere she turns, she feels Billy’s presence and experiences flashbacks of the Upside Down. But, how can it be a flashback if she sees something that isn’t a memory? The intrusive images and unsettling feelings lead to an overwhelming sensation of impending doom that she and Max, and perhaps all of Hawkins, are in danger yet again.Always lonelyAlways lookingTo get even with the (wo)men,Who did him wrongThat was BillyLonesome Billy-“Lonesome Billy” (Peter Tevis)
Relationships: Billy Hargrove & Original Female Character(s), Billy Hargrove/Original Female Character(s), Steve Harrington & Original Female Character(s), Steve Harrington/Original Female Character(s)
Series: Caroline Mayfield [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1938985
Comments: 17
Kudos: 24





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, everyone! Author of "Sweet Caroline" and "His Best Friend's Sister" here with a sequel to "Sweet Caroline." Please note that because the first part of this series included rape between Caroline and Billy, that there will be reference to these events throughout the chapters in this work. Some things may be triggering, such as the description of flashbacks, trauma resulting from sexual assault, and explicit content such as language, sexual behavior, and violence (either in real time or reference from the past story). These will be common themes throughout this story.
> 
> I hope you enjoy, and please feel free to leave comments! I live for those!
> 
> Chapter 1 warning: flashbacks from rape, talk of misuse of prescriptions, symptoms of panic attack

October 1989 

Sleep didn’t come easy to Caroline Mayfield these last few years. Dreams were often plagued by images of Billy or the Upside Down. The night that she, Max, and the rest of the party narrowly escaped the threat of the stray Demodog at the Byers’ house had been burned into her brain, deep within her amygdala, so that any sight, sound, or smell that even remotely resembled that dark, shadowy place would send her into a downward spiral of panic and immobility.

She could still taste it on her tongue. That acidic, burning, metallic, pungent mist that shot into her nasal cavity and mouth. The frailty that overtook her limbs and the heavy drowsiness mimicking sleep deprivation that seized her eyes made her easy prey for the slithering vines that had wrapped around her ankles and wrists. If Steve hadn’t turned around in time to see her that night in the tunnels… She used to shiver at the thought.

It was a part of her now. A constant connection to that other world. She couldn’t predict when the flashbacks would occur, but every now and then when she least expected it, she would see images of decay and ash, paralyzed in the darkness until her mind decided to free her from the temporary prison it locked her in. It was a cruel betrayal— her mind sending her back to that awful place even after all these years.

Almost five years had passed, and it was still just as fresh in her memory as the day it all happened. _Everything_. Billy’s hands on her. His body moving against hers. The warm, wet glide of his tongue against her skin. His bruising grip and brute force. The feel of his breath prickling within her ear as he whispered despicable things that dare not be repeated.

It didn’t completely ruin her ability to be with another man, but it took her a long time to trust and open up to people. Always wondering what their motives were, what the end game was. Even to this day, she could not tolerate to be around someone who was smoking Marlboro Reds. Lucky enough for her, she had yet to encounter anyone who wore Paco Rabanne cologne.

If Caroline was being honest with herself, she preferred the nights that she dreamt about the Upside Down and Demodogs instead of Billy. The snarling monster with rows of razor-sharp teeth and the piercing, screeching howl that chilled her to the bone. Her hands, sticky and wet from whatever that goop was that its skin secreted. The blur of dozens upon dozens of those things running past her and Steve in the tunnels as he held her in his arms, limp and barely breathing.

That was the thing, though. She may have been physically weak— unable to walk, talk, or keep her eyes open for long— but she heard everything. Felt everything. She was so incredibly aware of her surroundings that it made the terror of paralysis that much more distressing.

And the tunnels. _My God,_ the tunnels. The festering stench of putrid pumpkins and death. Caroline had imagined it must have been a direct path to Hell. The creatures that dwelled within its channels had, up to that point, only been imagined and created by horror film mavens. Wouldn’t they be surprised to learn that monsters really did exist in the dark? In Will Byers’ case, right in his own backyard. They were the things of which nightmares were made.

Thankfully, there was a little white pill for that. A daily dose of Valium did the trick in about twenty or thirty minutes. It didn’t completely erase her anxiety, but it was enough to bring her down off the edge. On particularly grueling days, sometimes she took two. That usually made for a really rough day later on, though, when she would be out of pills but have a full tank of anxiety. And the thing about her tank— it never ran out.

Talk therapy was out of the question. The only person she had ever spoken to about the incident, aside from Max and Steve, was Dr. Owens. All in all, not such a bad guy. He was empathetic, professional, and had been the one to first suggest she try the medication, since her episodes were becoming worse and worse. Daily functioning was as difficult a task as fitting a camel through the eye of a needle.

She was jumpy and had the non-battle, civilian equivalent to shell-shock. Constantly watching over her shoulder and wringing her hands, biting her lip and picking at her cuticles until they bled, there wasn’t much that could calm her down. Not until that magic pill came along.

She had struggled for months. She had contemplated suicide a few times. The shame of what had happened to her— what her own stepbrother had done to her— ate away at her like acid. The looks and whispers after Billy’s disappearance made her feel like she was in the spotlight, like everyone knew what had happened. In reality, though, no one at school really did. Steve knew more than Max, but he never said a word about it to anyone else. Caroline was sure of that.

When she moved away, however, in the fall after graduation, her talk therapy regarding the whole truth ended. Dr. Owens was the only “approved” doctor she could talk to in detail about the events and existence of the Upside Down. Eventually, she also told him about Billy. It wasn’t nearly as threatening talking to a man about those experiences as she thought it would be. There was just something about Dr. Owens that made her feel safe. Maybe it was because he reminded her of her dad.

After the move, her new primary physician took over the prescription. _Anxiety_ and _Post Traumatic Stress Disorder._ Those were her diagnoses. Of course, the anxiety and PTSD were the result, _solely_ , of being raped repeatedly by a family member. At least, that was what she _had to_ say. Not a lie, but only a partial truth. The world was just not ready for a diagnosis related to other-dimensional near-death experiences.

Pittsburgh wasn’t exactly across the world from Hawkins, but it worked well enough. Dad had died the summer before they moved to Hawkins. He handled his grief and anguish of the divorce and being separated from his girls by medicating himself with alcohol. One night, he got behind the wheel of the car and took a drive on the dangerous Highway 49. There was nothing for Caroline back in California. Painful memories, and probably the first place Billy would look if he was somehow still alive. She couldn’t risk it. There was too much at stake. Her share of the money she received from her father’s life insurance was more than enough to get her started on her own in a new place, to create new memories.

It was an okay place. She got to experience all four seasons living in Pennsylvania, something that she never truly had in California. And her landlady Phyllis, a gangly yet feisty old broad who lived in the duplex apartment beside her, had been quite understanding and compassionate of Caroline’s position. Because of Phyllis’s help, Caroline was able to put herself through school and work to keep everything afloat. It wasn’t always easy or pretty, but she got the job done. And she did it without Neil or Susan.

Caroline rarely traveled back to Hawkins in the past four years. Some holidays, but that was it. Too much tension and whispering for her liking. Her mother and Neil didn’t seem to treat her the same after the big reveal. She and Max spoke frequently by phone, and Max had travelled to Pittsburgh multiple times for weeklong visits during the summer when she could. Sometimes on three-day weekends if there was a holiday or in-service day at school. It was harder now that Max was in college and working herself.

Caroline was glad that Max decided to live on campus. At least for three-quarters of the year she was out of that house. It wasn’t healthy. Surprisingly, Neil treated Billy’s room like a shrine. Everything remained untouched in case he came back. After everything he had done, and with all the turmoil between him and Billy, the son-of-a-bitch expected him to come back. Even after Caroline had to break her silence and say what he did to her, Neil wanted him to come back.

Maybe it was because no one could take a punch quite like Billy could. Her mother was a poor substitute, but she eventually learned to fill those shoes. Caroline tried. She _tried_ to convince her mother to come with her. At the very least to let her take Max. Ever the dutiful wife, she stood firmly by Neil’s side. Hell, sometimes she laid firmly beneath his boot. It greatly strained their own relationship, especially when Susan started to parrot some of the things Neil would say about Billy and the situation Caroline found herself in.

Caroline tossed in her bed, limbs spasming as they tried to rouse her from her slumber. Her eyes fluttered and rolled. Sweat began to bead on her forehead and at the back of her neck.

She stood in the middle of a cemetery. Sky dark and gray with clouds, casting shadows over anything that stood. It was cold enough to see her breath, each inhalation stabbing her chest with the sharpness of the crisp air. Snow flurried around her. Large, uneven flakes drifted through the air slowly.

Caroline looked around her and noted the thick vines blanketing rows of tombstones. After a moment of studying, she held out her hand to catch one of the snowflakes. It landed in her palm without melting. She closed her palm against the substance, rubbing her fingers against the warm skin there before opening her hand back up. A grayish-black smudge was all that remained. She was back in _that place._

Several yards ahead of her was a fresh grave. Dirt piled in a somewhat rounded mound suggested a new burial. Her heart hammered against the inside of her chest as she forced her feet forward to examine the headstone. Thin vines slivered over the headstone like a nest of snakes.

Stepping around the dirt, she kneeled on the ground beside the grave. The vines stilled, but there were too many of them to be able to read the engraved name. Caroline shivered and took in a shuddering breath as her hesitant hands reached forward and grabbed the vines. She pulled them apart, snapping them like dry twigs. They squeaked and squealed like a living creature being tortured. It made Caroline grimace, but she kept going.

Her breath caught in her throat. Her hands dropped into her lap as she stared at the name in capital letters. _SUSAN HARGROVE._ Caroline quickly crawled backwards until her back hit the tombstone one row behind. She sat on the hard, cold ground and closed her eyes, feeling tears coming.

Cancer was a motherfucker. She had been putting up a good fight for the past year and a half. Already thin and frail, the last time Caroline had seen her mother she looked more like a skeleton than the beautiful woman she knew her mother to be. Pale skin, short, thin hair that was struggling to grow back, cheekbones that looked like they could poke through her tissue-paper casing at any moment.

The sound of trickling perked up her ears. It was so close, yet she had not seen a water source nearby in the time she had taken in her surroundings. Her eyes flew open at the intruding sound.

She would have recognized those denim-clad legs and black biker boots anywhere. He stood as she always remembered him standing. Feet shoulder-width apart, back straight, and posture incredibly rigid. She saw the stream of liquid between his legs, hitting against the face of the tombstone as he relieved himself at her mother’s grave.

Caroline was frozen in place. She kept incredibly still, opting to hold her breath so that the sound of her inhaling and exhaling wouldn’t draw his attention. The obnoxiously loud thundering of her heart, though, would be a dead giveaway.

“That’s one way to have a homecoming, huh?” he called out while facing forward, away from her. He shook himself and appeared to fidget for a few seconds before the sound of a zipper signaled that he was done.

Billy turned around and smirked down at her. He looked exactly the same as she last remembered. Red button-down shirt, Saint Christopher pendant hanging from a long, golden chain necklace. His golden-brown hair was a tad messy, almost wind-blown, with the familiar stray curl hanging just above his right eye.

His eyes were dark, like a grayish black. His lips curled into a twisted smile as he looked down at her frozen form. His fingers stretched and then curled into fists at his side, repeating the motion several times before moving from where he stood. After he took one step towards her, Caroline finally came to her senses and started to move. She threw herself off to the side and began to crawl away until she had the strength to be able to lift herself to her feet.

“On your hands and knees is a good look for you, Caroline,” he said behind her. His voice was deep, smooth, and even. Not angry, not happy, but matter-of-fact.

Suddenly, a large vine whipped around her ankle and dragged her backward several feet. Losing her balance, her arms collapsed from underneath her. Nails filled with dirt as she struggled to crawl away, gripping onto whatever she could to try to pull herself from the tight grasp. Caroline rolled to her side and kicked at the vine, trying to push it off of her ankle as she looked up to see Billy leisurely walking in her direction, as calm and cool as he always was with the ladies.

Caroline yelped when another vine slithered over her and twisted tightly around her other ankle. She immediately sat up and began to pry at the vines as they pulled painfully tighter. Two more flew out from either side of her, wrapping around her wrists and forcing her to lay back flat, pinning her arms down against the cold, hard ground. She was in a spread-eagle position, squirming to try to move away, break free, _anything!_

Billy smiled, standing at her feet. “Isn’t that a pretty picture,” he smirked, holding his fingers up to pretend that he was framing her into a photo. His biceps bulged beneath his sleeves as he moved his arms.

Caroline cried and tried to kick, only succeeding in slightly bending her knees and making her black dress ride up higher towards her thighs. This was noticed right away by Billy as he took in a breath that sounded more like a hiss and bit his lip, shaking his head as his eyes focused on her trapped legs.

“Maybe I’ll keep you like this,” he pondered in a dreamlike state, seemingly looking through her.

Caroline finally drew a shaky breath into her aching lungs. With all her might, she screamed, “HELP! HELP ME!”

Billy came back to consciousness and smiled at her as he lowered himself to his knees between her legs. “Nobody’s gonna come for you,” he shook his head, crawling up the length of her body until he was face to face with her.

The deep voice that came out of his mouth was enough to still her. It was like him, but unlike him. He gently brushed the back of his fingers against her cheeks. He was ice cold to the touch. Even his breath was cold and made her shiver as it beat against her pale skin.

Caroline felt the ground rumble and shake beneath her in a pulsating pattern. Within seconds she heard thumping to match the quaking, steadily growing louder as it became closer and more distinguished. Billy slowly looked up and grinned when he saw it. A sudden burst of Paco Rabanne cologne hit her nose, dripping off his stretched, stubbly neck exposed in front of her. Curious to see what the noise and vibrations were coming from, what had him so happy, Caroline tilted her head back as far as it could go.

It was difficult to see in the darkness from that angle, but she saw a tall, bulky figure. At least two stories tall, with multiple, grotesque, uneven legs. Tentacles flailed about as it let out a loud, ear-piercing screech.

Caroline screamed and thrashed around beneath Billy, as much as she could while the vines gripped her forcefully. She looked away from the tall, monster-like mass and back at Billy. His once-perfect skin was now shrouded in black, spiny veins. Caroline gasped as she saw the darkness practically slither through his skin, entrenching his face, neck, chest, and arms.

He dove down closer to her, his breath biting at her lips as his thick brows furrowed and he snarled, “I’ll fucking kill them! I’ll kill them all!” in a deep, echoey voice.

“No!” Caroline shouted, closing her eyes and whipping her head back and forth in a failed attempt to get away from him. The screams from the beast behind her became louder, closer. The ground shook so violently as the monster…

She woke up to the sound of her alarm buzzing and beeping. Caroline’s eyes flew open as she took in a sharp breath and sat straight up. Drenched in sweat and shivering from the cold, Caroline looked at her arms and noted that they were free from restraint. She rolled to her side and slapped the button to her clock, eliminating the shrill sound as she looked at the bright red, blocky numbers that read _7:30._

Briefly, Caroline closed her eyes and brought her hand to her chest, feeling the rapid, heavy thuds of her heart, trying to comfort it to tell it to slow down. She took the slow, deep breaths that her therapist had taught her to take, curling her fingers around the soft duvet cover to remind her where she was. It helped a little. At least it allowed her to become aware of her surroundings and the fact that she was safe. There were no monsters, no Billy, no evil vines trying to capture her.

She opened her eyes again and licked her lips. Her mouth was parched. Dry and scratchy, she almost coughed as she took in another deep breath.

 _‘Nobody’s gonna come for you,_ ’ he had shaken his head, so certain of the neighbors having been used to hearing screams and loud noises come from their house ever since they had moved in. She saw his face, the smile lines that emerged around his mouth and eyes as he cockily stated, ‘ _well I will,’_ just before he lowered himself to nibble, lick, and suck on the skin at her neck and collarbone. He had been right. No one came for her.

 _‘Isn’t that a pretty picture,’_ she remembered, as he stood in the doorway to her teenage bedroom in nothing but a pair of red boxer briefs. Smacking his gum between his teeth and framing her between his fingers, mocking her naked, helpless state as she struggled to free herself from the belt wrapped around her wrists.

 _‘Maybe I’ll keep you like this,’_ he had calmly fantasized while sitting on the bed, gently stroking her hair back from her face and behind her ears.

Caroline struggled to keep with her paced breathing, clenching her eyes tightly shut as if that would somehow allow her to not see the images replaying in her mind like they had just happened. Without realizing, she rubbed at her wrists to sooth the phantom red indentations that his belt had made years ago. Images of him passed through her head like a damaged film reel, moving from one scene to the next in choppy, jerky motions.

Breathing became difficult as she remembered being pinned beneath his solid body, his large hand slapped against her mouth, pressing down hard on her lips and against her nostrils as she cried and screamed and begged for him to stop. How he had wrenched her arms behind her back just short of popping them out of their sockets to bind them together with his leather belt. His deep, growling voice threatening her that he was going to fuck her brains out, fill her up, feel her pussy around his cock, make her his.

She grimaced at the memories, whispering to herself, “No,” over and over again until it was loud enough to pull her to the present and she was able to open her eyes to see her bedroom at her Pittsburgh abode. 

She stared across the room, allowing her eyes to register the light blue colored wall, different from the pink walls of her childhood. The window straight ahead of her instead of to her right. Her room now was completely different, and once she was able to understand that, her heart began to slow down and breathing started to stabilize.

Looking to her left at the nightstand where her alarm clock sat was the bottle of magic white pills and her glass of water. _Always be prepared,_ she had learned. Nighttime was always the worst. Most mornings she awoke, needing to take her medication right away. Quickly, she reached for the bottle, took one of the pills out, and popped it into her mouth, immediately chasing it by chugging several mouthfuls of water.

More than twenty minutes had passed. As she stood at the stove, scrambling eggs and flipping sausage patties in the skillet, she wondered why she wasn’t yet feeling the effects of the medication. She bit her lip, trying not to cry. Doing her best to hold it all inside, to not let it overtake her.

It wasn’t just images from her dream. It was memories from real life. Seeing Billy in a dream always opened old wounds. Well, impossible, since those old wounds were never really fully healed. More like… picked the scabs off of her wounds and made them bleed again.

 _‘I wanted you from the first time I saw you,’_ he had said to her the second time he raped her. _‘God, you feel so good. So fucking tight. All for me. Completely wreck you for Harrington.’_ She closed her eyes as a tear threatened to fall. _‘What would King Steve think? Huh? Knowing that I fucked you.’_ It had been five years since she had physically seen Billy in the flesh, but she heard his voice every damn day. _‘Caroliiiine.’_

The sudden loud ringing of the wall phone made her jump out of her thoughts and back to the present moment. She looked up at the clock. It was only five past eight. The phone rang again, and Caroline wrinkled her brows, wondering who would be calling her so early in the morning. She didn’t have to be at work for almost another hour.

Turning the burners off, she set the spatula on the countertop and walked over to the corded phone, picking up in the middle of the third ring. “Hello?” she asked curiously.

“Caroline,” a voice that she did not want to hear stated her name like she was caught passing notes in school. “It’s Neil.”

“Neil,” Caroline sighed. “I’d say what a pleasant surprise, but it’s really not. What do you want?” She leaned her shoulder against the wall and placed her free hand on her hip, tapping her fingers impatiently.

A soft sigh on the other end could be heard followed by a pregnant pause. Neil was never speechless. He was always the man that had to have the last word. Children were to be seen, not heard. They had to show an infinite amount of respect to their elders. Backtalk resulted in a backhand.

“Look, I don’t have all day, alright?” Caroline shook her head and pushed away from the wall, ready to return the phone back to its resting place. “Call me back when you have something to say.”

As she started to move the earpiece away from her head, she heard Neil quickly say, “It’s your mother.”

This caught Caroline’s attention. Her mother had been sick for the better part of two years. She wondered if the cancer had finally spread further throughout her body.

She slowly brought the phone back to her ear. Hesitantly, Caroline asked, “What about her? Is she okay?”

Neil took in a deep breath and exhaled directly into the phone. It irritated Caroline’s ear, the staticky noise too close and loud. “Caroline, she…”

He paused again. Caroline waited with wide eyes, feeling the sting in her throat, nostrils, and eyes as her muscles constricted at the fear of what he was about to say. “She what?” her voice was meek.

Neil swallowed and, for the first time ever in the history of Caroline knowing him, struggled to find his words. “I… she… she’s gone.”

Caroline’s heart skipped a beat and her hearing suddenly became muffled. Everything suddenly seemed so far away. She didn’t feel connected to herself, to her own body. She heard the words that he said but at the same time felt like a zombie, unable to move or speak. She slumped against the wall, legs feeling like Jell-o as he continued.

“She passed away sometime in the night. I found her in bed this morning. She went peacefully in her sleep.” His voice sounded like it was about to crack. Neil, the military man— the man who would beat the shit out of his son, and then later turned his hands to his wife— was about to cry over her death. _Probably because he has no one left to be his punching bag_. “I need to make arrangements, but I wanted you to know. I… I know that you and I have had our differences over the years, but… I want you to know that you are welcome to stay here. I want you to come home.”

Caroline opened her mouth to speak. Her throat felt dry again. “Does,” she closed her eyes and swallowed, trying to lubricate her throat so she wouldn’t choke. A tear rolled down her cheek and dropped onto her shirt. “Does Max know?” she asked softly.

“Yes,” he answered sympathetically. “She’s coming home later today. I’d like it… I think now is the time for family to be together.”

 _How dare he call himself family_. The only family Caroline had left in Indiana was Max. Of course, she would be there for Max, but not for Neil. Never for Neil.

“Um,” Caroline took in a deep breath through her quivering lips. “I’ll need to call work and settle a few things here. I’ll try to be there by tomorrow. I’ll get a hotel—”

“Nonsense,” Neil cut her off with an offended tone. “There is plenty of room at the house. And there are some things of your mother’s that she wanted you to have in the event of… well, she just has some things here for you.”

She really didn’t want to stay on Cherry Lane. Being under the same roof as Neil? Staying in the same bedroom where her nightmares began? There was a reason why she had left. Several reasons, in fact. She didn’t want to feel indebted to Neil, but at the same time, it _would_ save her money. Free room and board. And she would be able to spend more time with Max being under the same roof. 

“I’ll think about it,” she told him, not entirely sure what would be the best thing to do.

Neil sighed with discontent but did not fight her on this. “Alright. I’ll see you tomorrow?” Part of him sounded hopeful.

Caroline licked her dry lips. “Yeah,” she whispered.

“Okay, I’ll—”

Caroline returned the phone to the wall, not bothering to hear what else Neil had to say. After all these years and no apology, nothing he had to say was worth listening to.

This was always a call she had dreaded, ever since the first time the dreaded C-word came up in conversation. And yet, while Caroline was certainly sad and shocked to hear that her mother had passed away, her reaction was not as severe as what she would have imagined. The years of separation and arguing and pride had created a distance between them, more than any amount of miles between any two cities could have ever created. Caroline mourned the loss of her mother years ago when she stopped being Caroline’s mother and turned solely into Neil’s wife.

Caroline leaned against the wall and wiped at her face. She hugged herself tightly. A million thoughts flew through her mind: things she had to do, what she had to pack, who she had to notify (although, that would likely just be work and Phyllis).

 _Her dream._ What were the odds that she would dream of her mother’s death on the same morning that it occurred? Sure, she had been sick for a while, but Caroline hadn’t maintained much contact with her. When she and Max spoke, Max had learned not to mention too much about Neil and their mother. Caroline just did not want to hear it. It had to have just been a coincidence, but it unnerved her, nonetheless.

Caroline chewed on her thumbnail, absentmindedly staring at the kitchen table. When she realized what she was doing, she stopped. Her hand rubbed all over her face as she let out a long, deep sigh. Her shoulders sank as the air in her lungs deflated her body.

“What’s the matter, Momma?” a sweet little voice asked as the blue-eyed, blonde, curly haired little boy entered the kitchen in his Care Bears pajamas.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: flashbacks, anxiety/panic

Her employer had been incredibly understanding and gave her the next day plus all next week off work. They had expressed more sympathy to Caroline than what she felt for her own mother. Caroline didn’t think she needed an entire week, but she supposed it would be nice to see Max.

Her heart hammered at the possibility of also seeing Steve. Excitedness turned to anxiety as she thought more and more of the idea, of the last time they had spoken— or rather, argued. It had been about two years since they last had any contact with each other. Part of her wondered if he had a girlfriend, was engaged, or even married. All that time away from each other, no one would blame him for moving on.

Caroline and her son, Nicky, had been in the car for over five hours. It was about eleven in the morning when they got in the car and started their nearly six-hour journey from Pittsburgh to Hawkins. It was a day earlier than what Caroline had told Neil. She briefly thought to herself that she should have called first, but it was too late, now. _Fuck him._

As it turned out, Caroline didn’t have too many things she needed to get in order. There were enough clean clothes to pack that she didn’t need to worry about laundry. Work was taken care of. Phyllis would keep an eye on the place. Nothing major needed to be done in the next seven days that couldn’t be handled after she returned home next weekend.

“Are we there yet?” Nicky asked from the backseat, his little arms crossing out of boredom. His lower lip pouted as he lightly bounced the back of his head against the seat several times for something to do.

Caroline looked in the rearview mirror at his adorable expression. “Almost, sweetheart. Just a little bit longer.”

Nicky heard the words that Caroline had told him. That Grandma went to Heaven. Much like any four-year-old, he didn’t really have a grasp of what death meant— that it was permanent, and she wouldn’t be coming back. Because Caroline didn’t have much of a relationship left with her mother, Nicky didn’t have much of a relationship with her, either. A handful of times they had met. Nothing to make a lasting impression. Susan Hargrove wouldn’t be a person that he would miss. Unlike Aunt Max, over whom he would cry every time they parted ways.

“If I count to ten, will we be there?” Nicky asked hopefully, switching from bouncing his head back to now teetering it from side to side.

Caroline smiled at the innocence and no sense of time that small children had. “You might have to count to ten a few times, buddy,” she chuckled and looked at him again in the mirror.

Nicky stuck out his bottom lip and pouted again as he looked out the window. His light brows furrowed. Caroline could tell him they were fifteen minutes away, but that was like telling him something was fifteen miles away. He didn’t quite catch the concept yet of how long that was.

He decided to pass his time by singing Bingo. He swung his legs and tapped his hands against his legs as he lightly mumbled the words. Caroline joined in with him, eliciting a fit of giggles and celebration once the song was over.

In the near distance, Caroline saw the familiar welcome sign identifying the town limits. Anxious fingers tightened their grip on the steering wheel. The leather squeaked beneath her sweaty palms as she approached the sign. _Welcome to Hawkins_ had been sprayed over with red paint to say _Welcome to Hell._ It was the most accurate description she could think of to describe the location in which she was headed.

Once she drove past the welcome sign, everything around her became dismal and ominous. The sudden change from daylight to pitch black darkness took Caroline’s breath away. Ash floated through the air like the first snow flurries of winter. As quick as a flash, something large and four-legged darted out in front of the vehicle, causing Caroline to slam on the brakes and stiffen every muscle in her body.

Tires screeched and screamed beneath her as the brakes locked and hot rubber skidded along the pavement. The ferocious beating of her heart could be felt in her chest, neck, and ears as the car came to a jerking halt at the side of the road a few seconds later. Caroline’s eyes widened in fear as she took in short, rapid breaths through her mouth, looking around her for the potential dangers that lurked in the Upside Down.

There was nothing around her except trees and road. Her eyes darted from side to side, scanning the tree line for predators and whatever it was that had run in front of her and forced her to stop. She saw nothing but black trees with gray decayed leaves fluttering on their branches.

“Are you okay, baby?” Caroline asked Nicky, trying to catch her breath as she continued to keep a watchful eye outside the car. When he didn’t answer, she asked, “Nicky?” and turned around to look at him in the backseat.

Nicky wasn’t there. The entire backseat was empty. Caroline panicked and leaned back over the seat to see if Nicky had perhaps crawled onto the floor. She looked from side to side, but there was no sign of him. The doors were all closed and locked, there was no way that he had gotten out of the car.

“Nicky!?” Caroline shouted as she turned around again to face forward and removed her seatbelt.

As she threw her seatbelt off her body and reached for the door handle, she looked out the windshield and saw an outline of a figure standing in the road about ten yards away. It was a man, she thought. Tall, maybe six feet tall. Part of her was rattled, thinking that it could have also been a Demogorgon. In the darkness it remained a silhouetted mystery. She kept still, worried about what would happen to her if she got out of the vehicle.

Despite the fact she couldn’t see who or what it was, whether or not it had eyes, it was a stare-down of sorts. The fine hairs on her arms and at the back of her neck stood at attention as she released a foggy breath within the car. She shivered at the cold, creepy feeling prickling at her skin.

The figure started to walk forward. Its gate was smooth and steady, upright and unhurried— definitely human. Her pulse quickened again with the approaching unknown person closing the distance between them.

Caroline looked at her door and then the passenger door, making sure that they were both locked. She turned around again to look at the backseat, hoping that Nicky would suddenly be there, that it was just her mind playing tricks on her. The back was still barren. Tears filled Caroline’s eyes and blurred her vision. She looked around her for some sort of weapon, if needed. There was no way she was going to drive off without Nicky. She would die fighting whoever was out there before she did that.

Her car was immaculately clean. The only thing she could think of was a bulky flashlight in the glovebox that she could use to hit the person over the head if it came down to it. She quickly leaned over the center console and popped open the glovebox, pushing aside her owner’s papers, manual, and a few extra napkins to grab the crude weapon.

A light tapping sounded at her driver’s side window. The noise made her ears prick up the way that a strange noise when home alone causes one to become incredibly alert and scared. Caroline gasped and sat upright in her seat, dropping the flashlight in the passenger side footwell. When she turned to face her window, she gulped at the sight that she saw.

Standing on the other side of the glass was the mystery figure. He continued to stand upright, with only his pelvis and torso clearly visible. She immediately recognized the crimson shirt that was half unbuttoned and tucked into a pair of body-hugging denim jeans. One arm was at his side while the other rested on the top of the vehicle. Another light tapping noise echoed in her ears. His fingers drummed along the metal roof in a regular rhythm.

The gold pendant resting against his taut chest swung gently as he leaned forward just an inch away from the glass. With his face now clearly in view, their eyes met. His were like deep, murky pools of ink, a stark contrast from the icy blue that she had remembered. One thick, dark eyebrow arched in amusement as he bared his glinting, white teeth through a wicked grin.

Caroline leaned away from the window, hearing the locked doorhandle clunk when Billy tried unsuccessfully to open the door. His hand slid from the roof to the window with a dull whine. Palm flat against the glass, he again drummed his fingers in a teasing manner, wiggling them at her to keep her attention.

“Open the door, Caroline,” he spoke lowly, keeping his eyes glued to hers.

Caroline swallowed hard but lightly shook her head _no,_ too shocked and frightened to be able to find her voice to say it out loud.

Billy cocked his head to the side and taunted, “Caroliiiiiiine.” He pressed his face against the glass, flattening his nose and fogging the window with his breath. “Open,” he took in a breath, “the door.” When she again did not budge to unlock the door or answer him, Billy smacked his hand against the window with a hard _thump._ “Open the door! _Open_ … the Goddamn _door!”_ he roared at the top of his lungs, smacking the window yet again with the palm of his hand.

Caroline winced and scrunched her shoulders upward protectively to shield herself. Tears welled in her eyes as she sucked in a shuttering breath. Her lungs ached and chest felt like it could collapse within itself. The look in his eyes was vicious as always, and she didn’t know if he would try to kill her or do something else. The last they had seen each other, he was trying to choke the life out of her after she had knocked him off Steve and punched him several times in the face.

 _“Mommy,”_ Nicky’s muffled voice sounded so far away.

Caroline’s heart nearly stopped at the sound of it. She held her breath and listened for him again, trying to still her shaking limbs. She didn’t know where the sound was coming from.

 _“Mommy.”_ It was still stifled but echoed closer and more pronounced this time.

Billy’s ears noticeably perked, and he pulled his face away from the window just enough so that he was no longer touching it. The grin he wore faded as he turned his head to look at the backseat. Caroline watched him carefully— saw the vein in his stretched neck pulse. He was as still and silent as the dead, frozen like a statue as he stared and listened. When he turned back to face her again, the corners of his mouth pulled into a wide smile.

“Mommy!” Nicky’s voice was loud, plain as day, and sudden.

Caroline jumped in her seat at the volume and forcefulness of his call to her. She blinked her eyes rapidly as they adjusted to the daylight that shined in through the windows. Realizing that her scenery had changed and she had heard Nicky’s voice, she twisted her torso to look into the backseat at Nicky.

Wide blue eyes stared back at her. A quivering lip threatened to cry when she looked at him. “Mommy?” he asked, frightened that she had not answered him the first several times he had called out to her.

Caroline sighed with relief, slapping her hand against her chest to hold her heart in place. Remembering the threat that lingered outside her door, she spun around again and looked outside beside her. No one was there. Panicky eyes scanned the area surrounding her car, expecting to see Billy trying to get inside another door. A speeding car whizzed past her and shook the frame from the forceful gust it created.

Caroline gasped and mumbled under her breath, “Shit.” She looked down at passenger seat and saw her scattered papers from the glovebox. She furrowed her brows with confusion, looking at the open compartment and flashlight laying in the footwell. Leaning over to return the item, she asked, “Are you okay, Nicky?” She turned to look at him again while trying to wipe the worry from her face.

He didn’t answer her question or even nod his head. With a hint of fear on his voice, Nicky enquired, “What happened, Momma?”

Nicky knew nothing about the Upside Down or anything that happened in Caroline’s life prior to him being born. She didn’t want to scare him. She hated that he saw her so anxious and hated even more than she had a panic attack in front of him while driving, no less.

“Nothing, baby,” Caroline lied, turning away from him to face forward again. Returning her hands to the steering wheel, she smoothly stated, “A deer ran out in front of us is all.”

*****

Caroline rang the doorbell and rocked back and forth on her heels while holding Nicky’s hand in her right. She sighed and tried to swallow, but her throat felt so tight that she couldn’t force the spit down her esophagus. Light shuffling could be heard from the other side of the door. Her breath hitched in her throat as she heard the click of the lock and twist of the doorknob. _Two years._

Neil stood in front of her in a blue and gray checkered thermal shirt. He looked older since she had last seen him. No doubt the added stress of caring for her sick mother had aged him. There were a few more grays scattered throughout his hair and mustache compared to when she fled town. He had more wrinkles around his eyes, and they looked so very tired. Dare she think he had been crying at some point within the last hour.

“Caroline,” he said in surprise. “I,” he shook his head. He stepped forward to wrap his burly arms around her shoulders, pulling her in for a hug that was far too tight for the way Neil usually hugged. “I didn’t think you would be here until tomorrow.” He finished with a light squeeze to the tops of her arms as he pulled away.

Caroline didn’t hug him in return. She stood rigidly, waiting for the forced embrace to be over. He smelled like whiskey and cigarettes. She turned up her nose at the strong smell around his collar and held her breath, a cough tickling her throat as she fought to hold it in.

“Yeah, I know,” Caroline said flatly. “I didn’t have as much to do as I thought. Figured the sooner we got here, the sooner we could get this over with.” She shrugged, not knowing what else to say. She had plenty to say to him, but none of it was meant for Nicky’s ears.

Neil frowned slightly and nodded his head, shifting his eyes to the shy boy at her side. His face seemed to brighten at the sight of the little tyke. Cheeks lifted with a smile as he looked down at the child clutching his mother’s hand tightly.

“Hi there, Dominick,” Neil’s voice changed to that of a kindergarten teacher. Caroline had never heard his voice so soft and nonthreatening. It was unsettling how mismatched it was to the rest of his body.

Nicky lowered his head and took a step back, gathering closer to Caroline’s body to hide his face in the side of her black jacket. He peered up from beneath a blonde curl but didn’t say anything in response.

“It’s _Nicky,_ ” Caroline informed him of the nickname.

Dominick was her father’s name. It was a way to honor him, to make the boy more Mayfield than Hargrove. But, Nicky seemed more fitting for a child. It also made him his own person. Still a Mayfield, but distinguishable with his own identity.

Neil looked at her, trying to read the cold expression on her face. “I’m sorry,” he said with sincerity. Looking back at the little boy, he corrected himself and tried the greeting again. “Hi, Nicky.”

Caroline looked down at her son, hiding behind the fabric and clinging to her with all his might. For all intents and purposes, Neil was a stranger. Uninvolved and unimportant in their lives. Merely the man who married her mother and brainwashed her into being an obedient little drudge.

Seeing the disappointment on Neil’s face, Caroline gently shook Nicky’s hand and said, “Nicky, you remember Neil?” Nicky came out only marginally from behind her. _You’re right to be cautious, kid,_ she thought to herself. _It’s all an act. He’s not a good man._ “It’s okay, honey. You can say _hi._ Mommy’s here. _”_

Nicky’s eyes were big and sky blue. Sweet and cherub-like was his face, golden curls adorned his head like a crown.

“Hi,” he shyly said, still unsure of Neil.

 _Funny how kids can see right through people sometimes._ Caroline knew that Neil was disheartened at Nicky’s hesitation toward him, but she couldn’t blame the kid. She was partly at fault for not making the journey to Hawkins for the past two years for him to have a relationship with either grandparent, but she reminded herself that she was protecting him. She didn’t want her child around the likes of Neil.

Neil stood up straight and pressed his lips together in a sad smile. “My God, I can’t believe how big he’s gotten. He looks just like him. He’s got that Hargrove chin.” Square and sharp. She knew. Neil looked at Caroline who glared back at him at the nerve he had to bring up Billy when talking about Nicky.

“Nicky!” an excited feminine voice squealed from inside the house.

Nicky peeked from behind Caroline and smiled from ear to ear when he saw her. “Aunt Maaaaax!” he shouted with glee, releasing Caroline’s hand and brushing past Neil as he ran inside the house and into her open arms.

Caroline couldn’t help but smile at his excitement for Max. She was so good with him, and he idolized her. Caroline picked up the suitcase at her side to make her way in the house.

Neil stepped aside to allow her entrance. Nicky was already at the kitchen table with Max and Lucas unwrapping candies to give to him, which he greedily took.

“Hey, not too much of that,” Caroline warned in a motherly tone. “You’ll spoil your dinner.”

Max dismissively waved her hand at her sister and said, “Oh, hush,” while turning her attention back to her nephew.

Caroline smirked. Max seemed to be in good spirits. She had the better relationship with Susan out of the two of them, but it was still rocky. Having lived at home for the past two years, she supposed Max had a chance to grieve for Susan while she was still alive. It had to have been difficult watching their mother’s decline. At the same time, her opinion of Neil and Susan had changed around the same time that Caroline’s opinion did. After that night when Caroline had to tell them she was pregnant and how it happened, the reaction was not what would have been expected from loving or concerned parents.

Closing the door, Neil shook his head in disbelief. “You changed your hair,” he pointed out the obvious. Her blonde streaked wavy locks that once flowed to mid-back had been chopped to just below her shoulder and permed into loose curls. Bangs rested at her eyebrows. “You look like that actress. What’s her name? Jennifer Gr—"

“I’m here for Max and to bury my mother,” Caroline turned around and cut him off quietly so Nicky wouldn’t hear the discussion. Neil stared at her with a stunned look upon his face. “Not for you. _Never_ for you.” Neil’s jaw tensed as he closed the small gap in his lips at the stern voice she used with him. “Once this week is over, I will have no reason to ever come back here and see you again.”

They looked into each other’s eyes for several quiet seconds. Neil’s upper lip twitched. She could tell he wanted to say something. Before he had a chance to, Caroline turned on her heel and walked through the living room to the kitchen where Lucas and Max were standing at the table that Nicky was perched upon.

The house looked mostly similar. The furniture in the living room was in the same place. Billy’s weight bench was nowhere to be seen, instead replaced by an old Singer sewing machine in the corner.

Max looked up when Caroline approached and offered a sympathetic smile. Caroline returned the smile and placed her suitcase on the floor, extending her arms for a warm hug.

“How are you doing, sweetie?” Caroline asked quietly as she stroked the long, red hair at Max’s back.

Max shrugged into the hug and mumbled. “I’m okay. You?” She pulled away and looked at Caroline.

With a soft roll of her eyes at being back under Neil’s roof, she simply said, “I’m here.”

Max smirked and let out a small puff of air through her nose. She didn’t like being in this house anymore than Caroline did. Having her freedom at college had been exhilarating. For the first time since living in California, she felt free.

Caroline looked over at Lucas and pulled him in for a hug. “Thanks for bringing her,” she squeezed his arms with gratitude.

“Of course,” Lucas softly replied as they ended the embrace. 

Caroline genuinely cared for Lucas. He was a sweet young man and treated her sister like gold. Their relationship may have been a little too codependent— both deciding to attend University of Indianapolis— but, Caroline understood. Max didn’t have many people left around here to really care about her. Neil was a piece of shit. Mom had been sick. The party was split off and scattered about throughout the country. Dustin was at Brigham Young in Utah. Will followed in his brother’s footsteps and was attending NYU. The only one left was Mike, and he and Max didn’t have the best relationship anyway. He stayed close to be near El, and those two were always busy doing their own thing with each other. _Talk about codependent._

Neil cleared his throat and walked past Caroline, avoiding eye contact. “Caroline, would you come here? I want to show you something,” he said, making his way through the kitchen.

Caroline’s lungs twisted and stabbed the inside of her chest at the words. For a brief moment, she didn’t see Neil. She saw Billy. The memory of Billy walking past her in his tight denim and plain white t-shirt, long, curly hair slightly windblown and arrogance radiating off him like a furnace as she stood in her terry cloth robe, gripping the ends tightly to conceal her chest. _‘Come here,’_ he had prompted her, grabbing her wrist to lead her to his room. _‘I want to show you something.’_ The Cheshire grin on his face at the lie of _‘This will only take a minute.’_

“Are you coming?” Neil asked, paused in the hallway just off the side of the kitchen.

Caroline snapped out of it, physically shaking her head and breathlessly stating _yes_. Looking back at Nicky, corners of his mouth covered in Hershey’s chocolate, she posed, “Will you be alright?”

Nicky squinted his eyes and grinned, showing the bits of chocolate stain on his tiny teeth. “Fine and dandy like all this candy,” he giggled. The two teens followed with muted chuckles.

“No more,” Caroline chastised playfully, tousling his hair before she walked away to follow Neil.

To her surprise, he led her past her own bedroom and to the end of the hallway in front of Billy’s old room. The blood flow through her ears was deafening. She couldn’t make out what he was saying when he looked at her and offered a small smile before opening the door to show her the room.

She looked at him hesitantly before following him through the doorway. Inside, the room was transformed to be a young child’s haven. A twin sized bed with a black comforter covered in red and blue rocket ships drew her attention first. A colorful rug covered the floor, marked with different roads, buildings, and street signs that would be a fun track for matchbox cars to travel.

There was a stack of toys on the bookshelf next to the closet. A Magna Doodle, Stretch Armstrong, Rubik’s Cube, a GI Joe Astronaut, a boombox, Rock Em Sock Em Robots, Simon Says, Connect Four, an assortment of different colors and styles of matchbox cars. The room looked like a toy store, everything neatly in its place. Even the walls were different. They weren’t eggshell colored anymore. They were baby blue. The same baby blue of her bedroom at home.

“These were Billy’s toys as a kid,” Neil walked over to the shelf and picked up the GI Joe, smiling down at it as his face suggested he was recalling some fond memory. “I figured Nicky could get better use out of these rather than them just sitting in a box in the garage.” He returned the toy to the shelf and placed his hands on his hips, scanning the shelves of all the toys that his own little boy, once innocent and playful, used to enjoy. “You were right,” he turned his head to look at her, a vacant expression on her pretty face. “I kept this place a shrine to him for so long, expecting him to come back. To give me a second chance. It was time to move on.”

Caroline narrowed her eyes with confusion. _Is Neil getting sentimental on me?_ He took one step back from the shelves before turning and stepping closer to her. His body language looked daunting with his hands on his hips and his height towering above her own.

“I know I wasn’t the best father. To Billy or to you girls,” he said quietly to keep the conversation just between them. “I’m trying, here, Caroline.”

She waited for the _I’m sorry_ to follow next, but it never came. That would be asking too much, she supposed. Part of her wanted to believe that this was a revelation. That he truly believed and acknowledged that he wasn’t a great father. Another part of her more realistically assumed that he was scared. Terrified of living and dying alone. No one to smash under his boot. No one to rule with his fist. No one to control, or intimidate, or bully. He was alone, and he knew it.

Max lived at school. She and Lucas would no doubt get their own place together by the time school was over. Caroline had been independent since she turned eighteen. Billy was gone— dead, most likely (and God willing). Neither hide nor hair of him left. Susan was dead. Caroline was staring into the eyes of a man who knew his fate, and it was probably the most satisfaction she ever got out of their relationship.

“So, uh,” Neil turned and looked at the bed, nodding towards it, “Nicky can stay in here. You can stay in Max’s room.”

Caroline jerked her head to look at him. “Max’s room? Why? Where’s Max gonna sleep?”

Neil groaned and bit the inside of his lip. His eyes rolled as he roughly wiped his hand over his mouth, smoothing his fingers over his mustache. “She’s gonna be staying with that nigger boy.”

 _Some people will never change._ Caroline cringed at hearing the word. Lucas deserved so much better than that. Caroline’s hope was that Max would follow suit and have nothing to do with Neil after this. Lord help the children she and Lucas would someday have if they were ever around Neil.

“Why can’t I stay in my old room?” Caroline asked.

Not that she wanted to. It was probably for the best that she got to take Max’s room. Too many bad memories in her own room. She didn’t know if she could bring herself to sleep in that bed again, knowing what had happened there. In all honesty, she had plans to take the couch when she thought there would be a full house.

“When you didn’t come back,” Neil started, pausing at how to delicately word his next statement. “We decided to use it as additional storage. There was no point in us having so many bedrooms when it wasn’t needed.”

Caroline nodded her head. She didn’t know why she let it hurt her, but it did. She was gone for two years and they decided to change her room. Billy had been gone for five, and his shrine was only recently taken down. It showed her rank on the totem pole.

“I’ll go order us some pizza. You must be hungry. You still like pepperoni?” he asked with a smile and a slight elevation in his voice, seemingly more chipper than what he was in the last minute. As he walked past her towards the door, he remembered to ask, “Does Nicky?”

Caroline nodded and turned her head to the side to answer him. “Yeah. Yeah, that’s fine.”

Neil nodded his head in return and smiled, letting out a long, contented breath through his nose. “It’s nice to have you home, Caroline. I just wish it had been under better circumstances.” When she didn’t respond, he took that as his cue to leave.

She listened to the fall of his bootsteps walk further and further away from the room. Doing a once-over, she looked at all the toys in the room. How much it had been transformed. It didn’t look like Billy’s room anymore. That much was good, at least. She would be comfortable with letting Nicky sleep there.

Looking at the closed closet doors, she walked over and slid one open. A sarcastic scoff escaped her lips at seeing Billy’s denim jacket and button-down shirts still hanging from their wire hangers.

“Move on, my _ass,_ ” she mumbled to herself, closing the closet door again to trap Billy’s essence in the darkness.

She shook her head and left the room. Curious to see what kind of storage mess was in her former bedroom, she slowly twisted the doorknob and opened it up. Her jaw dropped when she saw Billy’s weight bench and dumbbells. Billy’s makeshift vanity made out of milkcrates. Boxes of what she assumed to be his clothes and belongings that had previously been stored on the bookshelf that now held all his childhood toys. Neil hadn’t moved on from Billy. He simply just moved him. And to add insult to injury, he moved him into Caroline’s space.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: memories of violence and rape, alcohol use

Neil, Max, Lucas, Caroline, and Nicky sat at the kitchen table for dinner. The girls shared stories of their favorite memories of Susan. Of building sandcastles at the beach. Homemade Halloween costumes— Max as Raggedy Ann and Caroline as Andy. The vacation that she and their father took them to the Grand Canyon and how everything on their camping trip went wrong. From gum in her hair to raccoons getting in the cooler and eating their food. The girls laughed until they had tears in their eyes.

Nicky was too busy eating his pizza, not paying attention to anything that was being said. Marinara sauce circled his lips as he took another bite too big for his mouth. Lucas smiled and chuckled at their retelling of their life with Susan while Neil seemed to become more and more irritated. None of the memories that the girls discussed included him.

It was always, _‘Remember the time Mom and Dad… Remember when Dad took Mom… What was that place that Mom and Dad… Remember on Dad’s birthday how Mom would…’_

Neil remained quiet, but the tenseness in his jaw gave away his mood. He looked down at his plate as he angrily chewed the bite of pizza. “How about something recent, huh?”

Max and Caroline allowed their laughter to die down as they looked at Neil with confusion. Neil’s eyes shifted between the two sisters as he wiped his mouth with a napkin.

“It’s just that… these are all memories from years ago. What’s something you remember about her after we moved here?” Neil looked back and forth between them.

The girls were quiet. Max looked down at her plate while Caroline stared at Neil, her expression growing just as tense as his.

When neither of his stepdaughters spoke up, Neil crumpled his napkin in his hand and dropped it on his empty plate. “I’ll go,” he announced. “I remember how she quit her job to help you care for the baby,” Neil looked at Caroline, briefly glancing at Nicky as he continued to eat his pizza without a care. “She really missed you when you moved away.”

Caroline rolled her eyes. She was prepared for a guilt trip; she just didn’t think it would happen so soon within their first two hours of arriving in Hawkins.

“Yeah?” Caroline crossed her arms and leaned back in her chair, licking at her teeth and sucking in her cheeks to will herself to not blurt out everything she had wanted to say over the last five years. The wood creaked against her back as she shifted in the seat. “Well, I remember how she tried to talk me into _taking care of it_ after you convinced her that it was _Steve_ who knocked me up, even after I came to you, bawling my eyes out, about what happened.”

Lucas’s eyes bugged out of his head as Caroline and Neil stared at each other from across the table. “Um,” Lucas scooted back in his chair. “I think we’d better go,” he looked at Max and gave her knee a gentle squeeze beneath the table as a silent plea to his request.

“You don’t wanna stay and hear the story, Lucas?” Caroline looked up at Lucas with a sarcastic expression not meant for him, but for Neil. “According to Neil, his golden child— who was only golden after he was no longer around, by the way— would have done no such thing. That I must’ve— how did you say it, Neil?—”

_Caroline sat on her bed, chewing her thumbnail anxiously and bouncing her leg like it had been connected to electrodes. Tears dropped down her cheeks as she looked at the test tube of liquid that had changed color. The box instructions indicated that this meant a positive result for pregnancy. Her other arm wrapped tightly around her midsection, hugging herself for comfort. Her torso rocked back and forth on the bed, nervous energy looking to expel itself somehow._

_It was one week before Christmas. Billy had been gone for seven weeks. He was probably dead, but without a body no one could be one-hundred percent certain. Neil and Susan thought he took off and went back to California. Caroline had been so distracted by her nightmares and the new relationship with Steve that she hadn’t noticed her period was several weeks overdue. Aside from feeling tired and anxious over every little noise she heard, she felt fine. As fine as she could be, given the circumstances._

_When she had called Neil and her mother into her room, she broke down into indecipherable sobs, pointing to the test tube of liquid. Cried so hard that she felt like she might vomit. She bawled through everything, starting at the beginning. How over the years Billy had been physically and verbally abusive towards her, explaining the bruises that were on her body when Mom and Neil returned from Aunt Jeanie’s funeral in California. Later, his interactions with her became sexually suggestive and far too inappropriate and unnerving for a stepsibling relationship. That he had made threats against her, Max, and Steve._

_She averted many details about the actual assaults themselves. There was no way she could sit there and divulge all the ways in which he had touched and kissed her. No way she could repeat the vile, explicit things he had whispered in her ear. A shiver ran down her spine at feeling the ghost of Billy’s hot, cigarette-scented breath against her neck and ears as images of those acts played on a loop in her brain._

_Bile rose to her throat at the disclosure of him holding her down and forcing himself on her despite her pleas to stop, threatening to hurt Max if she ever told anyone. Far too embarrassed and ashamed to repeat the things he had said and done, Caroline stared at the floor as she broke the news that she was now pregnant with Billy’s child as a result of those sexual assaults that had occurred while Mom and Neil were out of town._

_Susan sat at the edge of the bed, crying over the news that Caroline was pregnant. Neil paced the length of her bedroom, yelling obscenities and doubts of her story._

_“You expect us to believe that this was **Billy’s** doing?” Neil placed his hands on his hips, continuing to pace as he watched Caroline like a hawk. “How convenient that he’s not here to defend himself and give his side of the story.”_

_Susan choked back a sob. “Neil, please.”_

_Caroline’s shoulders hunched upward instinctively to protect herself as his voice became louder and more forceful. She had not been expecting this kind of reaction. Neil had been all too relieved when he learned that Billy was gone. A pebble in his shoe, a thorn in his side. Billy was no one’s cup of tea, even within his own family. She had been expecting sympathy, apologies, and support. Not doubt, chastisement, and anger directed at her._

_“No, Susan. Don’t ‘Neil, please’ me. Your daughter got herself in trouble, probably with that Steve kid she’s been obsessing over, and now she’s trying to put the blame on Billy because he’s not here. And who wouldn’t believe that a bad egg like Billy would be capable of such a thing?” He pointed his finger at Caroline, “You will **not** drag the Hargrove name through the mud. Not in **this** town. We’ve already been through that once before.”_

_It wasn’t her fault that Billy had been arrested for nearly killing another boy. That they had to move to escape the whispers, hard stares, and ridicule at how his buddy got Billy off while that poor kid laid in the hospital with a long road to recovery ahead of him._

_Caroline shuddered and sucked in a breath, sucking her lip with it as she struggled to get out her words. “I swear to God, Mom,” her voice warbled in distress and desperation. “I’m telling the truth. I’ve never been with anyone else. Steve and I never—”_

_Susan frowned and twisted her face with desolation and pity. She didn’t know what to say. There were no words that could comfort Caroline or Neil. Nothing that could reverse that positive test result._

_“So, that’s it, huh?” Neil stopped pacing and stood in the center of her bedroom, looking down at her with his authoritative and threatening eyes. “You were a virgin, you slept with your brother, and now you regret it. Ashamed because you now have to bear the truth of your indiscretions on your body for nine months, and everyone’s going to know just what a slut you are.” He shook his head and said under his breath, “I knew this would happen.”_

**_Brother_ ** _. Billy was no brother of hers. And what did he mean that he knew this would happen?_

_“Neil!” Susan raised her voice one of the few times in her life she ever did._

_Neil snapped his head in her direction, narrowing his eyes and thinning his lips in warning. Susan retreated quietly, curling her shoulders inward similarly to her daughter. She hung her head low like a cowering dog. Caroline shook her head. Sadness, fear, and shame were pushed aside as anger started to fester within._

_“I’m not a slut,” she vibrated with agitation, her words sounding choppy as they came out. Her sullen eyes flicked up to meet Neil’s, knowing that he would not respond well to being spoken back to._

_As if she were a small child, Neil leaned down and placed his hands on his knees. Close to her face, he spat back at her, “Well, I don’t know any other explanation, Caroline. Because I didn’t raise a rapist.”_

_Susan winced at the implication that she had raised a slut, that her own child was at fault in this situation, but she remained quiet. Not wanting to risk another wrathful look or response, she lowered her gaze to the floor, avoiding both Caroline’s and Neil’s eyes if either one of them looked to her, wordlessly beckoning her to come to their defense._

_Caroline’s face was blotchy from all the tears, and she could feel the heat radiating from her cheeks like fire. “No,” she derisively contended while sticking out her chin. “You raised him to believe that it was okay to put his hands on a woman if she disobeys,” she recalled Billy’s stories of Neil beating his first wife, which ultimately led to her leaving both Neil and Billy. “Why on earth wouldn’t he think it would be okay to shove his dick in one to teach her a lesson?”_

_Crack!_

_Neil moved so swiftly— a trick Billy most definitely had learned from him— to smack Caroline across the mouth. Caroline cried out in surprise, jerking her body to the right and promptly bringing her hand up to soothe the sharp sting on her cheek. Her long hair covered the side of her face, offering a bit of a shield from having to see Neil’s face as tears rimmed her eyes yet again._

_Susan had flinched and clenched her eyes shut at the bitter sound of skin on skin. She stood directly after and shouted, “Neil, she’s **pregnant!** ”_

_‘She’s pregnant.’ Not ‘she didn’t do anything wrong,’ not ‘keep your hands off her.’ But ‘she’s pregnant.’ As if that was the only reason why he should keep his hands to himself. Caroline had never felt so alone when in another person’s presence._

_Neil shoved roughly at Susan’s shoulders, pushing her back down to a sitting position on Caroline’s bed. He had said something to her about knowing her place, but all Caroline saw was red. Although her mother hadn’t come to her defense, it wasn’t within Caroline to sit idly by while he overstepped his boundaries. When he did it to Billy, it was one thing. Caroline never had a liking for Billy. He was also rather muscular and could have held his own if he wanted to. But, Susan was a meek woman. Tall, thin, and fragile._

_Seeing her mother’s terrified expression as she bounced onto the bed and looked up at her husband, Caroline curled her fingers into fists. She was a fighter when it came to injustice. Always had been. While it didn’t get her much of anywhere with Billy in terms of stopping him, she certainly had not made it easy for him. She punched, she kicked, she bit, she scratched, she wailed like a banshee._

_“Don’t you touch my mother!” Caroline shrilly screamed, launching off the bed and punching at Neil’s face._

_Her knuckles ached with the first hard blow that made contact with his strong cheekbone. Neil grunted loudly and gripped the tops of her arms, digging his claw-like fingers into her flesh as if he were trying to pierce through the skin. Caroline screamed and flailed her body as he pushed her back down to her bed and held her shoulders in place against the mattress, his legs flanking her own to prevent her from kicking. Caroline’s feet jolted off the ground but was stopped within inches of raising from the floor by Neil’s own strong legs._

_Caroline’s heart raced and sent her body into an immediate state of panic and alarm. It wasn’t Neil on top of her; it was Billy. His face was angry, skin pulled taut across his face as he stretched his neck to tower over her. Blonde curls framed his face, and the stench of cigarettes cascaded from his breath._

_“No, no, no!” Caroline thrashed her legs and midsection, bending her elbows to bring her hands up to ram against his chest in a failed attempt to push him off. “Get off me! Billy, get off me! Don’t touch me! Help! Help!” Caroline squeezed her eyes shut and twisted her neck as far to the side as she could. Anything to get further away from him, even if only by centimeters._

_Neil looked down at her, anger turning to perplexity as she went into a screaming fit of epic proportion. She had called him Billy. Sounded terrified. Pushed at and fought him with an intensity that he had never seen from her, even being the strong-willed girl that he knew her to be._

_“Neil,” Susan cried in a hushed voice, gently placing her hand on his forearm, begging him with her eyes to let Caroline go and back off._

_Neil looked at Susan’s reddened face. Discoloration over the pale, milky skin made her so ugly when she cried. Her lips quivered, not quite knowing what his reaction would be to her asking him to stop and back down._

_Neil looked back down at Caroline’s shaking form, crying silently now with all the air having been ejected from her lungs and the heaviness in her chest preventing her from taking in the air needed to continue screaming. He placed all his weight in his hands against her shoulders as he pushed himself up to stand away from her. He backed away several steps from her limp body. Caroline immediately rolled onto her side and brought her legs up close to her chest, curling herself into a ball like a furry caterpillar trying to protect itself._

_He jerked his arm away from Susan when she tried to rub it reassuringly. She quickly drew back her hand when he looked at her with a fiercely angry expression. Her eyes fell to the floor._

_His breath was a little heavy. The small burst of energy that he needed to control Caroline coursed adrenaline through his system. Now that it was wearing off, his body was in a state of disequilibrium, trying to steady its breathing and its heartbeat._

_Looking at Caroline’s vulnerable form, Neil spoke out loud, “She probably wanted it during, then changed her mind after. Isn’t that what you women do?” He shifted his eyes to Susan, who continued to bite her tongue and avoid his gaze._

_When he turned on his heel to exit the bedroom, Susan waited a moment before she switched her focus to Caroline. Her body shivered and looked so helpless. Susan cautiously reached to her side and placed her hand on Caroline’s back._

_Caroline jerked violently. “Don’t touch me!” she screamed at the top of her lungs, alarming Susan enough to immediately withdraw her hand. Susan’s heart thumped harshly against her chest. “Don’t touch me,” Caroline cried softer this time. Susan was speechless, struggled for the words to say or the right moves to make. “Just go away. Please.”_

“—wanted it and changed my mind afterward, because isn’t that what you women do?” Caroline repeated Neil’s harsh words.

Max interjected calmly, trying her best to keep the peace and to alleviate the entire table’s discomfort. “Caroline, I don’t think now is the right time for this.”

Caroline looked at Max in surprise, mouth slightly agape at how Max was trying to shut down the conversation. “Oh, I disagree, Max,” Caroline shook her head and faced Neil again. “Every time I’ve wanted to say something, it’s never been the right time. I couldn’t say anything when it happened, because _‘Billy’s not here to defend himself and give his side of the story.’”_ She used air quotations and deepened her voice, mocking Neil for the tactless response he had given her in her time of need. “I couldn’t say anything after my 27-hour labor because I needed to ‘ _focus on the baby.’_ I couldn’t say anything when I moved away because, _‘Can’t you see how much you’re hurting your mother?’_ But what about me, Max? _”_

Max sighed and sat back in her chair, realizing that Caroline had a lot of bottled up emotions inside her that she really did not get the chance to let out. Neil flicked his tongue along his bottom right molar, feeling like he was under a microscope as Max and Lucas witnessed Caroline putting him in his place.

“Mommy?” Nicky spoke up, causing Caroline to look down at him sweetly. Even though his face looked so similar to Billy’s, she knew she was in there, too. Keeping him away from Neil Hargrove for the past four years was the best thing she could have done for him. To make sure that he ended up _nothing_ like Billy. “Can I go play now?”

She smiled and nodded her head. “Yes, baby,” she permitted, taking her napkin to clean his face.

“No,” Neil forcefully undermined her authority as parent. “We’re having a family dinner and not everyone is finished eating,” he nodded to Lucas’s plate with a half piece of pizza going cold.

“I’m done,” Lucas quickly stated and held up his hands in a surrender type motion.

Neil narrowed his eyes and shot him a warning look for what he categorized as backtalk.

Caroline scoffed at Neil and turned her head to look down at Nicky once more. “Yes, Nicky. You can go play now.”

“This is _my_ house,” Neil reminded her firmly.

“He is _my_ son,” Caroline countered with venom in her voice.

Nicky hadn’t moved, feeling confused about what he should do. He didn’t want to get in trouble, but he didn’t want his Mommy to get in trouble either.

“Hey, buddy,” Max stood and gripped Lucas’s shirt collar to tug him along. “Why don’t we go take a look at the toys in your room? Maybe we can play a game.”

Neil and Caroline stared at each other. No one said another word as Max and Lucas escorted Nicky back to the bedroom that used to be Billy’s. Caroline’s lips puckered into a scowl as Neil shook his head and scoffed once they were alone at the table.

“You know,” Neil started with a lick of his lips. “It has been a _long_ time since I’ve been disrespected in my own home.”

Caroline wasn’t sure if he was finished or not, but a sarcastic cackle rumbled from her throat as she threw her head back briefly before looking at him again. “Oh, please. You were _never_ respected, Neil. You were _feared,”_ she disclosed.

As much as Billy would have denied it, she knew it to be true. He didn’t _‘yes, sir; no, sir’_ because he respected his father. He did it because anything more or less would have resulted in a split lip, a cracked rib, or a bruised cheek. A former dishonorably discharged military man, Neil’s idea of discipline had more to do with how much pain a human body could withstand rather than the actual teaching and learning of important life lessons.

Ignoring what she said, he went on to explain his philosophy. “I tried my best to instill, in you kids, respect and responsibility. You always were a bit bullheaded. Obviously, I didn’t try hard enough with you.”

“Well, you certainly tried to beat it into Billy,” Caroline immediately taunted. Neil lifted an eyebrow at the crude nature of her retort. “Bang up job, by the way,” she finished by taking a sip of her soda, holding eye contact with him as she did so.

The corner of Neil’s jaw twitched. He raised his hand to his face and rubbed his mustache for something to do. Caroline’s stare and vicious words were getting to him, and he didn’t know why. Perhaps he was just in a heightened emotional state since finding his wife deceased this morning.

“I invited you back into my home—”

“I didn’t ask you to!” Caroline raised her voice, knocking him off whatever high horse he was perched upon. “I wanted to get a hotel for this _exact_ reason. You and I don’t see _anything_ eye to eye. Not the way we raise our children, not the way we define respect, not how—” Caroline took a breath but chewed on the inside of her lip and looked away from him, shaking her head as she took a few seconds to gather her thoughts. Returning her stone-cold gaze to him once more, she said, “It wasn’t the cancer that killed Mom. Death was the only way she knew how to get away from you. _You’re_ the cancer.”

Abrasive words for an abrasive man. Caroline had changed in the past five years. She was no longer sugar and spice; she was fire and brimstone. Toughening her womanly exterior was the only way she knew how to protect that lonesome, vulnerable girl inside. The one who had no support, was called a liar by her own mother and stepfather the further into the pregnancy she got, simply because she and Steve became comfortable and intimate with each other before the baby was born. _It only proves this baby is his_ , Neil had said. It wasn’t until the baby was born, the spitting image of the detestable, draconian devil himself, that Neil recognized and admitted the family resemblance.

Neil’s face softened unexpectedly in response to her insult. “What have I _ever_ done to you to make you hate me so badly?”

Caroline widened her eyes in disbelief. “You _really_ have to ask that question?”

Defensively, Neil leaned forward and slapped his palms on the tabletop. “You think I knew Billy was going to do what he did?” Tiny droplets of spit flew from his mouth as his words, forceful yet whispered, came rushing through.

“ _Going to do what he did_ ,” Caroline huffed with disdain. “And what is it that he did, Neil? Hmm?” she crossed her arms and waited for him to say it.

Neil paused, never having said the word out loud; never wanting to admit that the relationship between Billy and Caroline, resulting in the birth of his grandson, had not been consensual. Something that after several therapy sessions between Dr. Owens, Caroline, Susan, and himself had become quite clear. The raw emotion— the way her body responded to any mentioning of Billy at all— had been confirmation enough.

“You can’t even say it,” Caroline frowned in disgust. If anyone should have a difficult time with the word, it should be her. Years of therapy, however, had somewhat desensitized her to the word. The memories and flashbacks, not so much; but, she could say the word _rape_ as if she were talking about what to make for Sunday dinner. “ _Rape,_ Neil. _Rape._ He _raped_ me. You raised a boy who _raped_ and impregnated his stepsister.”

Neil took in a sharp breath, clearing his throat quickly before abruptly exhaling. His collar felt like it was tightening around his neck. Sweat soaked through the pits of his shirt. The room felt like it was becoming smaller. The air around him became thicker, harder to breathe.

“And for the seven months that followed that night I told you and Mom about it, you called me a liar, a slut, a disgrace, an embarrassment. You made my _own_ _mother_ turn on me and doubt me. Too proud and arrogant to admit that your own shitty parenting resulted in your spawn being just as cruel, if not more vicious, than you. But then again, with how the words _‘isn’t that what you women do’_ so easily came from your mouth, I even have my doubts about that.”

Even if her memory could be spotty from time to time, she could never forget the words that stabbed through her heart and twisted with jagged edges, leaving a huge, gaping hole that could never be repaired. Caroline leaned forward to rest her elbows on the table. She wove her fingers together, feeling more confident and stronger than ever. For the first time that she could remember, Neil was laying down and taking it.

“So, you want to know what you did that made me hate you so much? I’ve _never_ liked you, Neil. Billy was an asshole, but even before he raped me, I didn’t like the way you took out your frustrations on him. Your lessons in respect and responsibility weren’t lessons; they were abuse. You are the biggest asshole to have ever walked the planet. And once he was gone, you turned on my mother. I have _zero_ respect for you. You’re a coward and a piece of shit. And after this week is over, I’ll take Nicky and go back home with the satisfaction of knowing that I will never _ever_ have to see you or think of you again.”

Neil’s vision blurred and he had to look down at his plate so Caroline wouldn’t see the pain in his eyes. Caroline thought for a moment that perhaps she had gone too far. The man had just lost his wife this morning. He lost his son five years ago. And now he was losing at least one stepdaughter and a grandson— the only blood-related grandchild he would ever have.

None of it was a lie, but at the same time, she knew that she didn’t have to speak so truthfully and openly about her real thoughts and feelings. Deciding that she had had enough, she pushed back in her chair and stood from the table, going back the hall to get away from his presence.

*****

Caroline hugged Max snugly within the open front door of the Hargrove house. The cool, October night air chilled her bones, but she always just wanted one more minute with Max.

“I’ll be back tomorrow. Try not to kill him tonight,” Max said reassuringly as she stepped back and slid her hands into Caroline’s. “Maybe we can go through some of Mom’s things together. Neil mentioned there was some jewelry set aside.”

Caroline offered a sad smile, gently swinging their hands between their bodies. “You can have it all.”

The last several years had left such a sour taste in her mouth at the thought of anything Susan-and-Neil-related that Caroline wanted to have no memories of her life after California and before Pittsburgh.

Max couldn’t even begin to understand the amount of hurt and loneliness in Caroline’s heart. She knew that she was the only one with whom Caroline was close. That there were hardly any friends in Pittsburgh aside from the landlady and a few work colleagues. That she and Steve hadn’t spoken in years. Max didn’t know every detail about what had happened between her and Billy, or even between her, Susan, and Neil, but she knew enough to understand that it left Caroline completely jaded. Caroline needed a friend. She needed _someone._ It couldn’t be just her and Nicky forever.

“You know,” Max looked up sheepishly, a sly smirk pulling at her lips. “Steve works at the high school now as the physical education teacher.”

Caroline quickly glanced at Max’s hopeful eyes, gleaming with a tad of mischief, before she glanced at Lucas. He smiled and nodded his head quickly with an arch of his dark brows.

With a sigh, Caroline pulled her hands from Max’s and crossed her arms over her chest to keep warm. “I don’t know, Max,” Caroline’s voice weakened at her last memory of Steve. “It’s been a long time.”

“He still asks about you, you know,” Lucas disclosed softly, treading lightly so as not to be told to shut up after the shitshow he had witnessed at dinnertime.

Caroline looked at Lucas’s kind expression and knew that he was telling the truth. It surprised her somewhat that Steve would still ask about her. After the blowup between them, it wouldn’t have surprised her if he went out and married the first girl who looked at him just to show that he was unbothered by her leaving yet again.

What would she even say to him if she saw him? How would he respond to Nicky after the fight that had been pretty much centered around the young boy? She shook her head from all the what-ifs and plastered a fake smile to her lips.

“You guys ought to get home,” Caroline playfully slapped Lucas’s arm to change the subject and lighten the dwindling mood. “I need to get Nicky ready for bed. It’s been a long day. I think we all need to get some rest.”

Max gave her sister one last hug, rubbing her hand back and forth along her upper back. “Okay,” she agreed. “You’ll be okay?”

Caroline rolled her eyes and said, “I won’t kill him, if that’s what you’re really asking.”

Max chuckled. “I’ll see you around ten?”

Caroline nodded and patted Max’s back softly. “Yeah. Ten is good.”

They said their farewells and Caroline watched as Lucas opened the car door for Max and helped her into the passenger seat. He shuffled around the front of the car, allowing Max enough time to look out the window at her sister and offer another wave to say goodbye. Caroline held her hand out to return the farewell and watched the car drive off. They were only going to be down the road a few minutes away, but being alone in the house with Neil, she might as well have been on the other side of the country.

Caroline closed and locked the door, even sliding the chain lock in its place for extra good measure. The living room was dim, save for the glow of the television playing some black and white war movie. Caroline placed her hands in her pockets and slowly walked into the room, eyeing Neil slouched in his chair with his Old-Fashioned glass resting in his hand atop his thigh. Ice clinked against the glass as he raised it to finish off the whisky in one large gulp.

He winced and exhaled a slight cough at the burn of the liquid sliding down his throat. Without much of a break in between, he reached over to the half drank bottle of Johnnie Walker Black. The drink poured with a repetitive _glug-glug-glug_ sound at the top-heavy tilt of the bottle. Neil sat the bottle back down on the end table beside him, quickly steadying the bottle when he nearly dragged it back with him and it wobbled like it might fall over. He took another large drink from the glass, rubbing his lips against his teeth and clearing his throat at the heat of the cool drink.

The light from the TV illuminated his face. In the dark, his features looked more like Billy. Sharp and severe. Caroline had to shake her head to see him as Neil.

“You just gonna sit there all night and get drunk?” Caroline sneered at the half-empty bottle of the 80-proof spirit.

Not bothering to remove his eyes from the action on the screen, Neil grumbled with a slur, “What’s it to you?” He raised the glass to his lips again.

If not for the fact that she knew it was Neil seated in that chair, she would have sworn it was Billy. Attitude and all. She rolled her eyes and shook her head disapprovingly, moving through the living room towards the kitchen.

“I don’t date drunkards or bring home strange, ornery men because I don’t want Nicky to see that and think it’s normal or acceptable behavior,” Caroline turned as she rounded the corner into the kitchen. “Don’t let him see you like this.”

She didn’t wait around to hear a response from Neil. In this state, chances were he would say something nasty and they would get into it again. She knew how aggressive he could be once he had some alcohol pumping through his veins. _I will leave,_ she told herself if he became violent or belligerent.

Caroline was about to walk into Max’s room, her temporary abode for the next week, when she heard Nicky’s giggle followed by some muffled words that she couldn’t make out. A belly laugh erupted next from the little boy. He sounded so happy and like he was having a good time. Caroline smiled and narrowed her eyes with curiosity, wondering what had him in such a chipper, silly mood.

The door was closed, so she pressed her ear to it to listen. A little _‘Shhhh’_ could be heard followed by Nicky’s voice fracturing with little giggles as he struggled to keep quiet. Caroline rapped on the door with her knuckle but did not wait for a response before cracking it open and peeking her head inside.

Nicky sat on the floor with a pile of toys around him. A midnight blue matchbox car with red and yellow flames along the sides was in his hands, his index finger lazily spinning the wheels. Facing the closet and sitting cross-legged on the rectangular carpet, he quickly turned his head to face his mother. Loose curls bounced on his head with the speed of his rotation. A large smile painted his face, rosy cheeks bringing out the bright blue color of his eyes.

“Hi, Mommy,” he giggled and scrunched his nose, turning away again to look at the cars on the carpet and drive the blue car along one of the roads beneath him.

“Hi, honey,” Caroline pushed the door open fully and walked inside. “What are you doing?” she approached and lowered herself to her knees beside him, taking a gander at the collection of cars he had parked in various places on the rug.

“Playing cars,” Nicky simply explained. Holding up the blue car in his tiny fingers, he happily announced, “My daddy used to drive one kind of like this.”

The color in Caroline’s face drained to a sickly shade of white. Looking at the car in his hand, she saw the similarities between it and Billy’s 1979 Camaro. She had never mentioned his father. Never had that conversation with him. And he had never asked. She definitely had never told him any stories about the kind of car that Billy drove, or that Billy was even his biological father. There was no way that Max or Lucas would have said anything of the sort, either.

Nicky had resumed playing with the car, dragging it along the carpet with little _vroom_ sounds vibrating between his lips. The level of serenity about him indicated that he had no idea the severity of the sentence he had just spoken.

“Where,” Caroline shook her head and tried to steady the shakiness of her voice. She tried to remain calm and unpanicked, not wanting to scare Nicky with her reaction. “Where did you hear that?”

Nicky peered at her through his long lashes. Innocently, he shrugged his shoulders and smiled. “From the man in the wall.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone. Thanks for reading. Please leave kudos and comments to let me know if the story is worth continuing. I love hearing from you all!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: alcohol use, misuse of prescription medication, mild violence

After checking the closet, under the bed, the locks on the windows, and performing a thorough sweep of the house, Caroline found it to be devoid of Billy. A barrage of questions eventually bored and annoyed Nicky, most of which his responses were _‘I don’t know.’_ What does he look like? _I don’t know._ What’s his name? _I don’t know._ What does he sound like? _I don’t know._ What did he want? _I don’t know._ The only information he gave was that they had talked about the toys, Nicky’s birthday, and he wasn’t scary.

She tried to remind herself that Nicky had an active imagination. That it wasn’t the first time he had talked about a person who wasn’t there. After all, he had an imaginary friend who lived in his closet last year. But still, something twisted her stomach in knots at the statement he had made about the car. _How would he know that?_

Caroline tried to convince Nicky to sleep in her room tonight with her, but he said he didn’t want to. That he was a big boy and could sleep in his own bed. He did make the compromise that because there wasn’t a nightlight that the door would be left halfway open, and so would Caroline’s.

Nicky was quietly and peacefully laying in bed by the time Caroline left his room. She leaned against the wall in the hallway and rubbed her face, trying to make sense of the conversation that she and Nicky had. She knew that Max and Lucas wouldn’t have said anything to Nicky, but she wouldn’t put it past Neil to talk to Nicky about Billy. Just to spite her. To fill his head with ideas and questions that would make Caroline’s life a living hell.

She pushed herself off the wall and made her way to the living room. Prepared to give Neil a piece of her mind, she opened her mouth to speak but stopped when she saw him passed out in his reclining chair. Low snores rumbled from his throat like a leaky air valve.

He had always been a drinker. There had been bottles and cans of alcohol in the house for as long as she could remember. She never saw him blackout drunk, though. It was barely past nine o’clock and he was out cold. The glass in his hand now just had melted ice cubes, liquifying against the heat of his thigh where the glass rested. The bottle of Johnnie Walker Black was nearly three-quarters of the way empty. She wondered if he had truly drunk that much but didn’t know how much had been in the bottle before he started.

Caroline sighed and walked over to the couch, snatching the orange and brown crocheted afghan from the back and unfolding it in her hands. Gently, she removed the glass from his fingers. There was no resistance, no movement from him at all. If not for the snores, she would have thought he was dead. She placed the sweating glass on the table beside the bottle and cautiously covered Neil from toe to neck with the blanket.

She didn’t like him, but she reminded herself that he had lost his wife today. As unhealthy as their relationship was, she knew what it was like to no longer have the one you want to be with. Knowing that her own father met his demise with the assistance of alcohol, she couldn’t help but feel a smidgen of pity for Neil. It was weird— the way he looked peaceful when he slept. Much like Billy, his face typically had a permanent scowl; furrowed brows; tight, thin lips. But now, all that tension and anger was gone. Replaced by helplessness.

Grabbing the glass and the bottle, she headed back to the kitchen. She deposited the glass in the sink but stared at the amber liquid in the bottle. Not a big drinker herself, she was surprised that she wanted it. Something to calm her nerves, make her tired enough to be able to sleep, make her inebriated enough to forget. The idea bounced back and forth in her mind if she should pour herself a drink.

Eventually she conceded, pulling a juice glass down from the cupboard and dispensing herself a cup of the liquid. A more than generous serving. Nicky was asleep and Neil was passed out. He would be too drunk to realize how much of his stash she had taken, and Nicky was a solid straight-through-the-night sleeper. She could afford to get a little tipsy tonight with the promises of immediate sleep after her bath.

Knowing that Neil always kept his whisky in the freezer, Caroline sidestepped and opened the top door of the fridge/freezer combo. An empty space just slightly bigger than the bottle suggested its resting spot. She returned the bottle and closed the door. A polaroid clipped to a magnet on the freezer door caught her eye.

It was the Halloween photo that her mother had taken in 1984. Caroline smiled at the image of her and Max. One hand on her hip and the other around Max’s shoulders. _How she has grown since then._ Now just as tall as Caroline. Such a character. Caroline knew that behind that Michael Myers mask was a smile. Even a Halloween mask couldn’t keep her from making a goofy, cheesy grin for the camera. It was just Max’s nature.

Her eyes shifted to the left side of the photo. The corners of her mouth drooped into a frown at seeing Billy. This was probably the last photograph taken of him. It wasn’t even a week later that they were at the Byers house, World War III going down inside the living room when Billy finally had discovered her and Max’s whereabouts. She wondered if he had known that his death was coming in a few days, would things have been different? Would he have been different?

She studied his face. Head cocked to the side, an obvious look of annoyance with his lips slightly pouting, jaw tense, eyebrows pointed towards his nose. A shiver danced up her spine at the chilling look in his eyes. So cold and malevolent.

_‘I could do anything that I want to you out here,’ Billy’s hot breath tickled her ear. The barely-there stubble scratched against her jawline as he spoke. The discomfort of tiny stones cutting into the soft bottoms of her bare feet in the abandoned lot of the old Steelworks building was not enough to distract her from Billy’s unwanted proximity. ‘And no one is around to stop me,’ he had threatened with her body pushed up against the passenger side of the Camaro by his own._

_She had felt his smile before she saw it. Immobile and scared, soused from whatever that frothy concoction had been in the punch bowl, her vision was hazy, and her head felt heavy. Her neck ached from the angle at which he clenched her hair at the crown of her skull and forced her to look at him. He released his grip on her tendrils as he slowly pulled back, his cheek rubbing against her own. A waft of Paco Rabanne cologne hit her nose._

She shook her head and her body shuddered at the memory. Nose wrinkled and throat tightened subconsciously. She swore she could still smell it, like it was right in front of her. One of those things that had been imprinted in her brain. Doomed to experience him over and over again at the most random of times.

Not caring to see him anymore, she returned the photo to its place on the freezer door. Although it had been a slap in the face that Billy’s things were moved into her former bedroom, she was at least thankful that most of him was out of sight. The only evidence visible throughout the day to remind her that Billy once existed was tacked to the freezer. As long as she averted her eyes, or perhaps covered it with something else like that shopping list in her mother’s handwriting, she wouldn’t have to see him for the rest of her stay.

With a sigh she made her way to Max’s room and removed the toiletry bag that she needed for her bath from the suitcase. She planned to have a good soak. While the rest of the house slept, she would enjoy the quiet in the warm, consoling blanket of some hot water, silky bubbles, and the calming company of Johnnie Walker.

While cascading, steamy water filled the tub and generated luxurious bubbles, Caroline undressed and sorted through her toiletry bag. She set aside her toothbrush, her deodorant, and came across her bottle of prescription Valium. It rattled in her hand like a maraca— the sound was music to her ears after such a weary day. Already this morning she had taken her dose, but she had gotten into the habit of taking two at particularly grueling times.

She looked up at her reflection in the mirror. Just starting to fog up from the steam, she could still make out the dark circles under her eyes. The worry lines around her mouth from doing little more than frowning all day. Her heart had slowed its vicious throbs against the inside of her chest, but as she thought about Nicky and the man in the wall, it all came back. It banged against her sternum as if begging to be set free.

Before she could change her mind, she popped open the lid and shook a pill into her hand, returning the few other strays that came out with it. She slapped it into her mouth and washed it down with a swig of whisky too large for it to be a smooth, comfortable transaction. She coughed after the burning liquid slid down her throat like fire and wiped at the corner of her mouth with the back of her hand.

Stepping into the filled tub, she turned off the faucet and lowered herself slowly until she was enveloped in the warmth. Her skin immediately started to turn red from the heat, but it was relaxing. Gave her another sensation to focus on instead of the rapidly beating drum behind her breasts. The glass in her hand, resting against the edge of the tub, dripped with condensation.

Pressure in her eyes made her feel drowsy. Of course, the whisky and the Valium might have also had a stake in that. She brought the cool glass to her forehead and held it still, allowing herself to enjoy the contrasting temperatures at both ends of her body. After washing, she allowed herself to just sit and relax for about ten minutes.

She closed her eyes briefly, relishing in the relief that the pill had brought to her racing heart. Finally feeling calm and heavy. She wished she could just sleep in the bathwater. It was too relaxing to have to get up and get dressed, to make her way down the hall to the bedroom.

Humming a content sigh, she felt like she was being pulled deeper and deeper into the darkness behind her eyes. A sudden buzzing sound from above the sink zapped her back to her surroundings. As she opened her eyes to investigate the sound, she quickly had to narrow them again, as the light was too bright. It flickered a few times, electricity sounding like it was draining and then surging, before the lightbulb finally went out.

Due to the dusk to dawn lights outside the house, the bathroom was dim but still visible. “Of-fucking-course,” Caroline grumbled, tossing her head back to rest against the wall behind her and trying to muster the energy to get out of the tub.

There were only two sips left in her glass. Not having used any ice, it was still just as strong as when she first poured it. Just a little warmer now. She downed it in one gulp and pulled the plug from the drain as she stood up. The sudden movement from sitting to standing made the room spin around her. She grasped onto the edge of the tub, catching herself from falling completely as her body tried to force her to lay down in an effort of self-preservation.

Caroline groaned, suddenly feeling the contents in her stomach slosh around like a ship in a storm. She caught a burp in her mouth and then slowly exhaled the air to convince herself not to throw up. Once she had gotten a few good breaths in her, she stood up again more slowly. Her balance was improved this time as she stepped out of the tub and wrapped a towel around her.

Leaning her hands against the sink, she steadied herself with a few more deep breaths. The light above the mirror buzzed and flickered again. The strobe-light effect made her feel dizzy and sick. She looked up at the mirror and couldn’t see her reflection anymore due to the fog. She raised a hand and wiped away the barrier.

There stood Billy behind her. Hair long and curled as she remembered. Face void of any emotions, his eyes met hers in the reflection. Heart jumping into her throat and stomach twisting like a wrung cloth, she spun herself around with an audible gasp while gripping the front of her towel.

The lightbulb again sputtered and died, leaving her once more in the dull darkness of the humid bathroom. There was no one with her. Anxious eyes darted from left to right as her dewy skin, once red and hot from the bath, turned cold and clammy. The room was small, and there were no corners to hide in, no furniture to duck behind. She knew, realistically, that he could not be in this room without her seeing him. The last of the water gurgled as it swirled down the drain, eliciting a minor jump from her at the unexpected noise.

Her eyes were playing tricks on her. Too much medication, too much alcohol in her system, too much stress from being back in Hawkins. She wasn’t in the best state. She wasn’t thinking clearly. Her vision was less than stellar.

Hand against her chest, Caroline sighed and turned back around to face the sink. The mirror was again obstructed with something thicker than fog. She narrowed her eyes at the substance that appeared to be oozing slowly down the glass. A shadow behind the slimy matter paralleled her own movements. It must have been her, she thought.

Convinced that it was just her eyes playing tricks on her again, she raised her hand to wipe it away. She immediately recognized the substance, similar to that on the Demodog that she had helped Steve shove in the fridge all those years ago. Cold, sticky, goopy, and thick. Caroline grimaced at the feel of it, starting to pull her fingers away to examine the elastic stringiness of it connecting her to the mirror.

The shadow on the other side moved differently from her, catching her eye and distracting her momentarily from the gunk on her hand. Without warning, a hand and arm unexpectedly burst through the sludge. Strong fingers wrapped around her throat and squeezed with powerful force.

Caroline’s eyes widened as she threw both of her hands around the wrist of the lone arm. Try as she might to pry its grip from her, it would not budge. The only noise she was able to make was stifled choking sounds. Unable to scream or breathe, she stared in horror as more of a body began to emerge from the wall, pushing through the mirror like something from a scary movie.

Fingers poked through the mirror and grasped the edge for balance as a head with long, curly blonde hair surfaced. Covered in a slick coating, Billy’s head came into view. Mouth in a scowl, face covered in black smudges and glistening remnants of the substance that stuck to him as he continued to push through the portal.

Once his shoulders were both through, his other hand came up to grab Caroline’s shoulder. The rest of him crawled out until his boots finally thumped against the floor and he stood in front of her. Clothes damp with sweat and unknown fluids, Billy glared down at Caroline as her face turned various shades of red and purple.

Lack of oxygen made her feel lightheaded. Her vision faltered and blurred. A few blinks did nothing to clear the image of Billy from in front of her. He remained as tall, daunting, and solid as he ever had. The hand on her shoulder slid over and up to her neck, past her ear, to the hair at the back of her head.

With a gentler grasp, he smirked. “Talk about a homecoming, huh? Did you miss me?”

His breath swept across her lips, warmer than it had been in her dream the other night. Their faces were just an inch apart. He smelled like fresh sweat and death. He smelled like _that place_. Rotten and wretched. She felt her stomach lurch at the sight and smell.

“I missed you,” he said lowly, allowing his lips to brush against hers for a dry kiss. “I’ve been waiting for this for a _long_ time.”

His voice was deep and gravelly. It was like him, but still different somehow. She couldn’t quite pinpoint why. Perhaps it was deeper. More chilling. She wasn’t sure if it was him or the state she was in, but his voice seemed to carry on, like there were two of him speaking at the same time. A soft resonance like a reverberating speaker. 

Aside from the bit of mess covering his skin, he looked exactly the same. Intact. Cocky. Arrogant. Strong and muscular, handsome and cunning. Smooth face like he had just shaved. Hair damp and curly like he had just taken a shower.

Caroline’s body felt limp. Sleep was so near. Her eyelids fluttered, fighting to stay alert, but her body was telling her to close her eyes and go to sleep. The room was a tilt-a-whirl. She felt herself slipping with legs wobbly like rubber and head heavy like a cement block.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Billy’s deep voice mumbled as he slid his hand from around her throat to under her arm, bracing her upper back. “I need you awake, princess.”

Billy’s strong arms held her body upright with minimal struggle. Although her feet were flat on the floor, she couldn’t feel them. Her head dipped back, exposing her neck to the sneering predator before her. Dry lips latched onto the taut skin over her throat. She could feel the vibrations of her voice humming as she tried to tell him to _stop,_ but she couldn’t form the word. Her eyes closed and she felt herself floating away. Light as a feather. Completely weightless.

Various degrees of pressure were felt all over her body. She didn’t know what it was. Hands? Lips? Blankets? A murmuring voice echoed softly in her ears, but she couldn’t make out what was being said. She felt like her body was laying down but spinning in mid-air. Could feel everything moving around her. Her eyes wanted to open, but they couldn’t. Like being in a bad dream that you know is a dream. No matter hard she tried, they wouldn’t budge.

“Caroline,” the voice echoed. “Caroliiiiiiiine.” Her brows furrowed and her head lazily turned from side to side as she tried to open her eyes. A hand on her cheek and under her jaw stilled her head.

She felt something on her shoulder slide down the length of her arm, over to her stomach, and up her torso, over her breasts. Cold fingers at the back of her neck massaged her gently as the voice, more direct in her ear, whispered, “Wake up.”

Caroline groaned. She tried to speak, but her tongue was like lead. The dragging sensation she had felt over her arms and torso could now be felt along her hips and outer thighs. She tried to will her hands to bat away at whatever was touching her, but they were too burdensome to lift.

“Wake up,” the voice softly spoke again. Lips against her ear trailed down her jaw and breathed heavily over her own lips. “Wake up.”

A more forceful shove at her shoulders caused her to jerk. She grumbled in protest at the heaviness of her eyes, struggling to bring herself back to consciousness.

“Wake up,” the voice, a little louder and higher pitched, commanded again.

A hand gently grasped her upper arm and nudged her, continuously shaking to rouse her from her sleep.

“Mommy, wake up,” the angelic voice echoed in her ears. “Wake up.”

Caroline finally was able to open her eyes. The room was bright— too bright. The kind of brightness that instantly induces a headache. Caroline closed her eyes again and lazily brought her forearm up to her face, covering her eyes to shield them from the harsh light. She turned her head and narrowly squinted open one eye to look at Nicky, who was standing beside her bed with his hand still on her upper arm.

“What’sa matter, baby?” Caroline’s words, still drunk with sleep, slurred together.

Nicky lowered his hand from her arm and clutched at the Stretch Armstrong doll against his chest. His blue eyes were as bright as the morning sky. Little curls fell over his forehead in an adorable, frizzy mess of bedhead.

“I’m hungry,” he frowned and twisted his torso back and forth.

At home he could sometimes get himself some cereal, or even butter some toast. Being in a strange house, he didn’t feel comfortable going out there by himself to snoop for a toaster or a bowl.

Caroline exhaled a long, slow breath, closing her eyes once more because even breathing hurt her head. “Okay, baby,” her tired voice lulled. “Let Mommy get up and get dressed, and I’ll come make you some breakfast. Okay?”

Nicky smiled, the tiny gap between his two front teeth prominently on display. “Okay.” 

“Can you go get dressed?” she asked.

Nicky nodded his head and assured her that he could. He turned around and skipped out of the room back down the hall to his temporary abode. The vibrations from his movements rumbled like an earthquake.

Caroline slowly rolled to her side and swung her legs over the edge of the bed. She slowly lowered her feet to the floor, not quite sure where it was. She gradually pushed herself to sit in an upright position. Her head felt incredibly heavy and throbbed with every little movement she made. She wanted nothing more than to lay back down and sleep the day away with a cold cloth over her eyes.

Rubbing at her eyes, she looked at the nightstand beside her bed. An empty glass sat next to her bottle of Valium. A ring of water settled on the shiny wooden tabletop around the glass. Cautiously avoiding jerky movements, Caroline reached for the glass and tilted it towards her. A small coating of amber liquid was in the bottom. Lifting it to her nose, she took a whiff and shuddered at the strong smell of whisky.

It was starting to come back to her. She had drunk some of Neil’s alcohol last night and must have taken a Valium. She hadn’t ever experienced a hangover before, but she was fairly certain that this was what it felt like. She had never mixed her pills with alcohol, either. She didn’t really keep alcohol in their house back in Pittsburgh. She knew it wasn’t wise, and now she experienced firsthand why it wasn’t.

Before going to the bathroom, she decided to dress in her day clothes. She didn’t even remember leaving the bathroom last night after her bath. She didn’t remember getting dressed in her sleeping shorts and t-shirt, either. Must not have been _that_ drunk. At least, not at the time.

Once she was in jeans and a baggy sweater that fell off one shoulder, she made her way to the bathroom. The light clicked on without issue or sound. She suddenly remembered last night the lightbulb flashing and burning out, the crackling sound of electricity fading until there was nothing left. The slime and goop all over the mirror. And _Billy._

Her heartrate increased as she looked at the mirror. It was clear and clean. No sign of interdimensional portals, no sludge or slime or reflections that shouldn’t be there. The bathroom was actually remarkably clean. The towel was hung up on the rack. Her toiletry bag was neatly tucked along the back of the sink against the wall with all her contents in place. The floor was clear of debris.

Caroline held her hand against her forehead. _What a strange dream_. It had been so realistic. It didn’t surprise her to dream of Billy or the Upside Down, especially since she was now back in Hawkins. The place where it all began. She wanted to take another pill, but she remembered taking one last night. She needed to slow down. It wasn’t healthy. She was starting to develop a problem.

Caroline made her way to the toilet to relieve herself. When she was done, she went to the sink and washed her hands. She reached to the side and dried her hands on the little frilly towel for guests. She briefly looked up at her own reflection before turning to walk out of the room. However, when she looked at her reflection, a discoloration on her skin caught her attention and made her do a doubletake.

She leaned closer to the mirror and turned her head to the side, arching her neck to get a better look. Small, light purple circles dotted her neck. She remembered her dream of Billy, how he had grabbed her neck and firmly prevented her from getting the air that she needed. Carefully reaching up to her neck, she spread her fingers and lined them up with the marks on her skin. They fit perfectly.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone! Please leave kudos and comments if you like the story. Let me know your thoughts!

> Max walked through the front door and into the living room where Nicky was seated on the floor watching _The Worst Witch_ and Caroline was curled into one corner of the couch with a cup of coffee in her hand. Caroline’s eyes were puffy and appeared heavy, like she hadn’t gotten much sleep. Her hair was pulled back into a messy ponytail, with little bumps in her hair.

“Hey, Stinker,” Max greeted the back of Nicky’s head, but he was too enthralled with the potion-making happening on screen. Max hummed a soft giggle and then looked at Caroline. “Jesus,” Max murmured as she tossed her handbag onto the couch and sat down beside her sister. “Are you okay?”

Caroline rubbed her face with her free hand and inhaled a long, slow breath. Setting the half drank mug on the coffee table in front of her, she lied, “Yeah, why?”

When Caroline stretched her arm to set the mug down, Max saw the light purple marks on her neck. “Oh my God,” she leaned forward and gently grabbed Caroline’s chin to turn her head away so she could get a better look. “What happened to you?” Her eyes became wide before narrowing again as her nostrils flared. “Did something happen between you and Neil?”

“What?” Caroline snapped her head and shook off Max’s cold hand. “No,” she shook her head and reached her fingers up to her neck to gently rub over the area where the marks were. “I don’t know. Neil got drunk last night, but I think so did I.”

“You _think?_ ” Max scrunched her face with confusion.

Caroline looked at the redhead’s concerned expression. “Nicky was asleep, and Neil was passed out. I took one of my pills and poured myself a drink while I took a bath. Next thing I know, I’m waking up in bed this morning.”

Max licked her lips, chapped from the dry October air. “You don’t remember going to bed?”

Caroline shook her head and shrugged her shoulders. “I guess maybe I had more to drink than what I thought.” She glanced at Nicky before continuing. He was busy watching the television. “I had a really bad dream last night. It seemed so real.”

There was a brief pause as Caroline stared at the floor, deep in thought, and Max waited for her to finish. “About the Upside Down again?”

She knew about her sister’s flashbacks and dreams. The months that followed that dreadful night that they came face to face with true evil had been filled with Caroline’s screams and panicked behavior. There were times that she, herself, had to pull Caroline down to the floor and hold her back against her chest while she cried and flailed until she was able to calm down and bring herself back to reality. When she was able to start taking those pills that Dr. Owens had prescribed, it was a godsend.

Caroline wasn’t sure how to answer. There hadn’t been ash floating through the air. No Demodogs, either. But, it had been dark. And there had been that sticky, goopy slime on the wall which Billy had crawled through. _Maybe it **was** the Upside Down._

“Sort of,” she finally replied with wrinkled brows. “I dreamt that I was getting ready for bed, and it was dark, and there was this slime oozing down the mirror in the bathroom.” A quick glance to Nicky again confirmed that he was in another world. “And suddenly, Billy came through the wall. He grabbed me. Grabbed my throat, and I couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t scream,” she brought her hand up to her own neck and rubbed it soothingly, recalling the pressure of his grip and his breath against her face. She shook her head, trying to make sense out of it all. “I must have been thrashing around or maybe grabbing myself in my sleep.” Max frowned sympathetically at her. “It’s nothing new, Max. I have dreams like that a lot.”

“I know,” Max sadly acknowledged, wishing there was something she could do to alleviate Caroline’s trauma.

Caroline hated that look and that tone. She didn’t want people to feel sorry for her. People would treat her differently— like she was fragile— and that would make her feel even less normal. It drew attention to the fact that she had a history of bad things happening to her. Made her remember and recognize it even more.

“Where’s Neil?” Max looked around after she noticed that she hadn’t heard or seen him.

Caroline waved her hand toward the front door and replied, “He’s meeting with the funeral director or something.”

She had to wake him up this morning. He was in the same exact position in his recliner that he had been in when she covered him with that blanket last night. She had hoped to prevent Nicky from seeing him asleep on the chair, worrying that he would ask questions or that Neil would still be out of it when he did finally wake. Surprisingly, Neil had been apologetic. He had groaned and was sort of slow to get up and start moving, but he did his best to not let anything appear out of the ordinary, for Nicky’s sake. She hadn’t yet the conversation with him about what information he told Nicky about Billy. That conversation would definitely be coming, though.

“Hey, Max,” Caroline spoke again after a quiet lull in the conversation. Max looked at her with a responding hum. “You and Lucas didn’t say anything to Nicky about Billy, right?”

Max shook her head and frowned again. “Of course not. Why?”

Caroline sighed. It only confirmed her theory that much further that it had been Neil. Shaking her head with frustration, she rolled her eyes to the ceiling and then looked at Max again. “Nicky said some things last night. Things he wouldn’t have known about Billy.”

Max nodded her head and rolled her eyes, as well, at the likelihood of Neil filling Nicky’s head with ideas. “Yeah, don’t let the ‘new room, new me’ act fool you,” she disclosed in an annoyed tone. “The room wasn’t like that when I left for college at the end of August.”

“I figured. The room still smells like fresh paint,” Caroline huffed. “Besides, I saw the things in ‘storage’ in my room. Did he think I wouldn’t look?”

“Listen, no one ever accused Neil of being smart,” Max cocked an eyebrow and allowed a small smirk to tug at her lips.

Caroline chuckled and rubbed at her neck again. Part of her felt guilty for laughing just a day after her mother’s death. She felt like she should be crying, feel sad, feel guilty for not being a part of their lives for the last two years. But, she felt nothing of the sort. She felt… _nothing,_ really. It was another day. The only difference was that today she woke up in Hawkins.

Even if Neil _had_ told Nicky that Billy was his father and that he drove a car similar to the toy he was playing with, the comment about the man in the wall bothered her. It was creepy. It wasn’t exactly a location that she would think a child would say an imaginary friend lived. Closet, under the bed, in a tree maybe. Danny Torrance’s imaginary friend lived in his mouth, but that was a movie, and this is real life. Why a wall? Why would there be a man in a wall?

“After,” Caroline spoke again as she licked her lips and peeked again at Nicky, still glued to the images of child witches who had messed up their spell.

She felt silly asking this question, but it was eating away at her. Max’s bright green eyes were wide like a doe’s. Her cheeks were slightly rosy from the change in temperature from outside to inside. Her hair a little windblown and knotted. She looked a lot like Mom, especially now that all her baby fat was gone.

Caroline swallowed and took a nervous breath. “After Billy… _you know…_ that night… did you ever experience anything _weird_ in the house?”

Max narrowed her eyes and leaned her head to the side, placing her arm on the top of the couch as she turned to face Caroline more directly. “What do you mean?”

Having to explain it further just made her feel like a fool. With a sigh, she continued, “I mean, did you ever feel like… Billy was here?”

The redhead stuck out her lower lip as she thought for a moment. “I mean, at first it felt surreal. Like he was still alive but just not living here.”

“No, I mean,” Caroline breathed sharply, “did you ever feel like there was a presence here, like he’s not fully gone?”

Max quirked a small grin. “You mean like a _ghost?_ ”

At seeing the little smile, Caroline shook her head and leaned back against the cushion, looking at the television but not watching anything that was occurring. Crossing her arms, she slumped her shoulders and blustered, “Forget it.”

“No, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Max reached out her hand to touch Caroline’s forearm, and she wiped the smile from her face, realizing that her reaction was not appreciated by her sister. “You’re serious?” Caroline’s eyes shifted to look at her, embarrassed and unsure. “You’re wondering if anything weird ever happened around the house, strange feelings, strange sounds, stuff like that?”

Caroline nodded her head, to which Max responded by shaking her head _no._ Caroline motioned towards Nicky. With a lower volume, she divulged, “He said he was talking to _the man in the wall._ Didn’t see him, didn’t say a name, but it freaked me out.”

Max shrugged, and with a tone that seemingly dismissed the concern, she reasoned, “Kids say weird stuff sometimes. He has a good imagination.”

Caroline shrugged and propped her feet up on the coffee table. “I guess,” she contemplated the possibility. “It just feels so weird. Nicky talking about Billy being his dad and the kind of car he drove, and then that incredibly realistic dream.” 

“Wait a second,” Max bounced lightly where she sat. “The man in the wall?” she questioned. “Didn’t you say in your dream Billy came out of the wall?”

“Out of the mirror, yeah,” she corrected the redhead.

Max spoke with purpose, pointing out, “No wonder you dreamt that. You were freaked out by something that Nicky said, and Billy was on your mind as a result. You dreamt he came out of the wall, er, the mirror.”

Caroline thought for a few seconds. Okay, it _did_ make a little sense. And the fact that she couldn’t remember getting herself to bed, well, that was probably because of the alcohol-and-Valium cocktail she had made herself.

“Yeah, I suppose you’re right,” Caroline offered a sad smile with even sadder eyes. Eyes that had doubt deeply embedded in them.

Max glanced at Nicky to ensure he wasn’t listening. Looking back at her sister, she scooted closer and placed a gentle hand on her knee. “Hey,” she got her attention and waited for Caroline to look at her before she continued. “Billy is dead,” Max nodded her head and spoke in a near whisper. “I know you always said to me that there was no body and whatnot, but,” she paused, trying to find another way of saying it that would convince Caroline. When she couldn’t think of anything, she simply repeated, “He’s dead.”

Caroline wished she had proof. An empty house and an abandoned car weren’t enough for her. She supposed if he were alive and around these parts that it would have been easy enough to find her. She hadn’t been a stranger to Hawkins those first few years she was living in Pittsburgh. With as often as Max was coming to visit her, he could have easily followed and found out where she lived.

Neil always thought he took off to California, having voiced his disgust and contempt for moving them to the middle of nowhere. There was family in California that he could have stayed with, sure, but Caroline knew that his car was taken care of by the people who ran the lab. Billy wasn’t walking to California. And no family member ever called to claim that he was safe and with them.

Trying to distract Caroline from the thoughts that she could see were spinning in her head, Max chipperly asked, “What are you doing for the rest of the day?”

*****

Two years. Two long, agonizing years since she had last seen Steve Harrington. The way they had parted wasn’t quite the way she had hoped to leave things. She wondered, as she sat in the bustling high school parking lot, hands still tightly gripped around her steeling wheel, if she had made the right decision to come see him.

_They had been laying in his bed at his parents’ house. Breathless and sweaty from several minutes of intense passion. Naked beneath the plush cover and Egyptian cotton sheets. Caroline was nestled against Steve’s side with one of his arms behind her neck, hand on her shoulder, while she draped an arm across his belly and a leg across his knee._

_She turned her head and pressed a soft kiss to the side of his pec. A smile spread across his face as she continued with kisses until she reached his nipple, giving it a playful nibble followed by a lick and another kiss. Steve shivered and gripped her shoulder tighter. Her fingers grazed over soft flesh, connecting the dots between small moles and freckles visible under the thin layer of fine chest hair._

_Caroline lifted her head to getter a better view of his face. Lean, cleanshaven, and pale, he looked down at her with an adoring expression. She bit her lip before lifting herself closer to his face to place a slow, dry kiss to his lips._

_Steve closed his eyes, accepting the tongue-free kiss before his own tongue darted out slowly to request a deeper experience. Caroline complied. Her long hair enveloped his face before his free hand came up and brushed it behind her ear and held it there. They smiled at each other when they broke the kiss._

_The moment felt right to say it. To nuzzle his nose and make her own request. “Come back to Pittsburgh with me,” she stared into his chocolate eyes after she said it, actually seeing the moment that the twinkle in them faded to nothingness._

_His smile slowly dissipated as he dropped his hand from her hair and, instead, ran it through his own longer locks. “I can’t. I have school.”_

_Caroline chuckled and rested her chin and hand against his chest. “They have schools in Pittsburgh, too, you know,” she jested but was offering a true statement. “We could be Pitt Panthers together,” she smiled and gave his lips another quick peck._

_He returned the peck, but it seemed half-hearted. “Black and gold aren’t really my colors,” he tried again._

_Caroline huffed and rolled her eyes. “So, don’t wear them. Besides, Pitt’s colors are navy and gold. You look good in blue.”_

_She went to give him another kiss, but he turned his head away and she was left looking at his cheek. Caroline furrowed her eyebrows in confusion and sat up further away from him, looking down at him with perplexity._

_“What’s up with you?” she asked. Her tone was more puzzlement than accusation._

_Steve sighed, “Nothing,” before flipping the covers off himself and rolling off the bed to pace beside it._

_“Bullshit,” Caroline called out his blatant lie. “You’ve been acting strange all day, and now you’re coming up with all these excuses not to move in with me.” Her eyes widened and her face looked anxious. “Is there someone else?”_

_Her trips to Hawkins had been fewer over the last few months. They both had promised that there would be no one else, and Caroline could only speak for herself, but she had trusted Steve to be honest with her. Months and months was a long time to go without sex. She had no problem with it, but probably for a much different reason than Steve._

_“No,” he quickly replied with irritation at the suggestion that he could have been cheating on her. He retrieved his pair of discarded boxers from the floor and hastily put them on._

_Caroline sat upright in bed, pulling the covers over her chest. It wasn’t so much about the warmth as it was about feeling like there was a barrier. Something to protect how vulnerable she felt right now._

_“Do you not love me anymore?” her voice was timid._

_Steve continued to pace and ran his fingers through his shoulder length hair. “Of course not. How could you even ask that?” he shot a look at her somewhere between hurt and defensive._

_“Then what is it?” she quickly snapped, tossing a hand in the air and bringing it back down heavily into her lap with a soft thud._

_“I’m not ready to be a dad, okay?” Steve snapped back, halting his pacing and standing with his hands firmly on his hips._

_Caroline scoffed and rolled her eyes. “I’m not asking you to have a baby with me, I’m asking you to move in with me.”_

_Steve looked down at his feet and shook his head. His voluminous hair swayed with the movement of his head. “I mean Nicky.” He willed himself to look back at her face and felt guilty for saying it when he saw the color drain from her face. “I’m not ready to be a dad to Nicky.”_

_Caroline swallowed hard. Her eyes and nostrils stung as she fought hard to hold back tears, retaining them in her ducts to not show how hurt she was. Nicky was two years old. He was innocent and sweet, playful and fun. Nothing like Billy._

_“I wasn’t ready to be a mom, either,” her voice warbled calmly._

_It was hard enough to cope with what Billy had done to her, but to also have to adjust to life as a pregnant, 17-year-old high school senior… not just pregnant, but pregnant with her stepbrother’s child… it was devastating. And no one, aside from her household and Steve, knew the truth. It was something that happened to her, and she wasn’t allowed to talk about it. Too taboo. Too shameful._

_“That’s different,” Steve sadly shook his head again._

_“How is that different?” Caroline’s voice raised again. “Because I was forced to grow up, and with you it’s just a request?”_

_“I can’t look at him, Caroline,” Steve barked, matching her loud tone._

_Her shoulders slumped and jaw dropped slightly at the revelation._

_Steve continued, “Every time I look at him, I see Billy.”_

_“You think that’s not hard for me, too?” Caroline held her fingers to her chest. “I’m reminded everyday of what he did. I live it over and over and over again—”_

_“I hate him,” Steve interrupted._

_Caroline paused, taken aback by Steve interrupting her rather than letting her finish. “I do, too,” she agreed, “but he’s gone.”_

_“No,” Steve covered his eyes momentarily. “I hate Nicky,” he kept his eyes closed but dragged his hand to his mouth and kept it covered. As if to keep himself from saying anything else further on the matter. As if he was shocked that he said it out loud in the first place._

_Caroline was quiet. Steve opened his eyes and looked at her. Tears fell freely and silently down her cheeks. Steve’s eyes filled with tears, as well. They started to become tearful as soon as he said what he did, before he saw her reaction._

_She knew that that was part of it. Steve and Billy didn’t have a good relationship for the short duration that they knew each other. She knew it was troubling for Steve to look at Nicky and see Billy. To know that Billy had claimed her first. That there was a permanent link between her and Billy in this child. This innocent, adoring, cuddly child who didn’t ask to be born, who didn’t cause this situation to happen._

_“I’m so sorry,” Steve’s speech was muffled behind his hand. He lowered his hand from his mouth and crawled back onto the bed, reaching for Caroline. “Honey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…”_

_When he reached for her, Caroline pulled back. Steve stopped and quickly retracted his hand, sitting back on his heels and covering his mouth again in shock at what he had said and done to her just now. Caroline shook her head as she looked at him, pressing her lips together to keep from sobbing. She didn’t want his parents downstairs to hear. She knew how they felt about her. The single mother, the lower middle class pregnant girl that nabbed their darling son._

_He didn’t mean to say it, but he meant what he said. He felt horrible. Not just for hating a child who he knew, rationally, had nothing to do with what Billy had done to Caroline. Who was not at fault for anything that had happened. But he also felt guilty for breaking Caroline’s heart. He could see it written all over her face._

_Angrily, she tossed the covers off herself and immediately stood up, collecting her clothes from where they had been strewn around the room. She didn’t speak. The only noise was the shuffling of her feet on the carpet and the sound of fabric rustling in her hands._

_“Caroline,” Steve stood from the bed again and tried to approach her._

_“Don’t!” she stood straight and pointed her finger at him, signaling for him to stop in his tracks. He did. Quieter, she repeated, “Just… don’t.”_

_He hung his head and anxiously bit his bottom lip as she scurried to get dressed. The tension in the air was thick and suffocating. He couldn’t unsay it. It was out there— his true feelings. He didn’t know what to say to make it right. To lessen the blow. So, he kept quiet._

_Grabbing her purse and holding her flats in her hands, she stomped to his locked bedroom door. She turned the lock and paused with her hand hovering in front of the knob. She turned around and looked at his pathetic state, thinking to herself that he had no right to appear sad and hurt after what he had just said._

_“My **son** ,” she announced firmly to show her loyalty to her little boy, “has never done anything to anyone. He may not look like me, but he is as precious and loving as they come. He is **not** Billy.” She shook her head in disbelief when he stared at her with puppy dog eyes. “You just hurt me more than Billy ever did,” she gritted her teeth. Her chin trembled when she finished speaking, threatening to release the sobs that it had been imprisoning for the last minute._

The full school buses pulled away from the building to begin their journeys of returning students to their homes. Cars in the student lot soon followed with a few stragglers hanging out, smoking, and talking with their friends. She got out of the car and opened the backdoor to help Nicky out. A few stares came her way. She knew she didn’t belong there.

Holding Nicky’s hand, she walked down the uneven path to the high school gymnasium. One of the doors was blocked open, as it always had been when she was a student, to let the air circulate. The smell of sweat and dirty gym socks reached her nose as they stepped over the threshold. Nicky’s shoes scuffed and squeaked against the varnished floor. He looked down and shuffled his feet quickly to repeat the noise, little curls bouncing freely as he waddled.

Caroline looked around the empty gym. The lights were still on, but the room was empty. The bleachers were bare. Basketballs were neatly lined up on the metal rack at the corner of the room. A few red, rubber balls sat motionless near the middle of the room. Nicky let go of her hand and ran towards the center of the court to grab a ball. He picked it up just to throw it and chase it. The high pitched _boing_ echoed off the walls followed by his giggles.

She swore she could hear phantom noises from her memories in this room. The sound of boys shouting and cheering as Billy swooped the ball under his leg, jumped, and made the basket. _It was at that net, right over there._ She could clearly see the cocky look of accomplishment and arrogance on his face as he strutted towards her like a peacock. Tongue hanging out of his mouth in a disgusting display of victory after knocking Steve off his feet and scoring on the opposing team.

“Can I help you, Miss?” a male voice resounded minorly from several feet behind her.

Caroline softly smiled at the sound of his voice. Music to her ears, after two whole years of not hearing it. She was nervous to turn around and look at him. So much could have happened in the last two years, and the last time they had spoken they argued, and she had stormed out. She took in a deep breath to soothe her nerves and turned around to face him.

Steve’s eyes widened and his mouth was agape. Even his ears appeared to drop as his facial muscles seemed to lose their strength. He wore the same exact outfit that she remembered from gym class. Dark green jogging shorts paired with a gray t-shirt. _HAWKINS PHYS. ED._ in contrasting colors stood out in the center of his shirt. A small amount of sweat had soaked through at the collar and under his armpits.

He looked a little different. More toned. Hair a little shorter, but still voluminous and thick. Skin just as pale and smooth as the last time she had seen him. Indiana didn’t get the same kind of sun that California did. Even her own skin was quite pale. Pittsburgh didn’t get that kind of sun, either.

Unsure if his look of surprise was a good thing or a bad thing, she broadened her smile to show that she was here in peace. “Hey, stranger.”

Steve matched her smile at her friendly tone. “Caroline Mayfield.” He frowned slightly. “It is still Mayfield, isn’t it?”

She chuckled and scratched behind her ear. “It is.”

His smile returned. Eyes wandered past Caroline to the little blonde-haired boy running around the opposite side of the gym, bouncing balls as high as he could and running around, creating his own little game. He nodded towards the tyke and licked his lips.

“Wow. Is that Nicky?”

Caroline nodded and turned her head to look at him. She smiled at his ability to entertain himself with anything that was around.

“He’s gotten so big,” Steve observed.

The last time he had seen him was when he was two-years-old. Talking, but just barely. Running around with the same energy that he displayed now.

“Yeah, kids tend to do that,” she smirked and turned back around to face Steve. “He’s growing too fast.” Nervously, she wove her fingers together and twiddled her thumbs in front of her pelvis.

They both stared at each other, neither knowing what to say. It felt bizarre to Caroline that someone with whom she had been so intimate in the past suddenly felt like a stranger. Perhaps it wasn’t fair to him that she just stopped by, unannounced, like this. She dropped her eyes to her feet before mustering the courage to speak again.

“You didn’t call,” she said delicately, letting him know that she was disappointed, but not angry.

His Adam’s apple bobbed when he swallowed. He offered a single nod and gently replied, “You didn’t call, either.”

Not meaning to become defensive, Caroline slapped her hands onto her waist and popped her hip out to the side. “Well, I’m a girl. We’re stubborn.”

Steve huffed with amusement. “Well, I’m a guy. We’re stupid.”

Caroline’s smile reached her eyes as she let out a genuine laugh. Steve followed, laughing and rubbing the back of his neck the way he always did when he was anxious. He stared at her face, admiring the way her face lit up in his presence.

“It’s good to see you smile,” Steve glanced down at her pink lips, wanting to step forward and kiss them the way that he used to.

Caroline’s smile faltered slightly. Less amused, more content. “It’s just good to see you,” she stepped forward, throwing her arms around his neck for their first embrace in two years.

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own any characters or anything from Stranger Things. Original character names and likenesses to any real people are purely coincidental.


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